Excuse me? You want to do what right now???

As a mama of a six-month-old and two three year olds, I am in a season of life that leaves me just bone-tired.

I love the way Steve Weins describes this level of tired,

Ragged, how-am-I-going-to-make-it-to-the-end-of-the-day, eyes-burning exhausted.

Nailed it, right?

I don't know how you make it through days like this. I, pretty much function on coffee, prayer, and the hope that schedules will align, and just maybe (please, please, please-with-a-cherry-on-top, God?) all three girls will be down for a nap at the same time.

By eight, most nights, all three girls are in bed---we might come to the 8:00 bedtime limping and barely hanging on, but we get there. Then, Brad and I enjoy a bit of time together before we head to bed.

So. Here's the scene:

Teeth freshly brushed, face washed, comfy pajamas on, lights off, head nestled into my pillow, eyelids heavy, soon to be asleep---when it happens---my husband speaks into the quiet darkness of our room, asking for some "couple time".

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Please jump over here to read the rest of this post, where my friend, Melissa, is hosting a blogging series called Construction School for Wives.

She's asked me to write about marriage---something I'm totally an expert in. I mean----if marriage were a college course, I would have an A+. My name is totally synonymous with being a rock-star wife.

Or.

Maybe I really struggle, and the only reason it works out at all is because of a  whole lotta prayer and endless grace.

Maybe you can relate?

Or.

Maybe you're the rock-star wife.

Either way----love to hear from you.

The one where I run a victory lap

Mama, I'm sorry for yelling at you. Please forgive me?

Came the sweet whisper from my daughter, quiet and repentant, as her arms wrapped around my middle searching for grace.

I exhale silent thanks, hugging her back. Restoring the relationship she feared broken.

Honestly, the defiant talk, the yelling, the arguing between my girls comes so frequently some days that I ignore it sometimes---head-in-the-sand, because you never can tell, there might be dandelions and baby smiles in the sand.

But.

Conviction pierced my girl's tiny heart, and she sought forgiveness completely unprompted--this was huge, HUGE, I tell you!

In my head I'm all:

For the love, FINALLY! all the shepherding, teaching, redirecting, disciplining, torturous I-just-don't-know-what-to-do, tear-shedding moments have paid off---it's actually sinking in. Sweet, Jesus, thank you!  

And then, I can actually hear the Chariots of Fire theme song.

Duun dun dun dun duun duuuun. Dun dun dun dundun.....

They say pride goes before the fall.

Yeah.

I was that kid in yellow with a mouthful of grass and dirt. As the same repentant daughter slunk away as her sister, with disheveled hair and a tear-streaked face, accused,

Mama! She tired to bite off my ponytail. 

Whatever, you guys! Victory laps are totally overrated.

The one where all my babies took a nap at the same time, and I should have joined them, but instead I wrote a blog post.

All my babies are asleep right now. I almost don't know what to do with myself!

So, I've decided that I'll blog for a moment.

Here's life for us lately:

photography by Ryan Beard

Dandelions and baby smiles.

We're excited to print these pictures off, so that there will be photographic evidence in this house that Ruby exists. At the rate we're going, she's going to come to me in a puddle of hormonal tears when she's 13, convinced that she was really adopted, and we just haven't told her yet.

Anyway.

Ruby is almost five months old.

We've lived in our new house just slightly longer than that, but not long enough for Brynne and Hadley to stop referring to it as "The New House".

Every day I fight this battle with restlessness, because there are a million and five things on my list of things to do.

Here's one of my flower gardens:

Here's our house:

It's amazing. Built in 1867, it's all my Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-Anne-of-Green-Gables-The-Secret-Garden-Downton-Abbey dreams realized.

It's also a lot of work.

The garden is a weed-fest, and the floors of my house are currently covered in a layer of sawdust, because we are having air conditioning put in this week.

So, when I get to the Jessie-Spano-caffine-pill-freak-out moment of realizing I can't do it all...

...I have to remind myself that there will always be something to do in this house, and with our five-acre yard. 

But. 

My worth and value is not determined by how many weeds are in my garden, or how diligently I sweep up behind the air-conditioning-installer people. 

I am enough. We have enough. Weedy gardens and all. 

Then I go back to enjoying baby smiles and dandelions.

I hope you're finding dandelions and baby smiles in your day (sometimes they're hard to find when you have sawdusty floors). 

P.S. The series finale of Saved By The Bell was 20 years ago today. That makes me feel old. 

Okay.

Back to dandelions and baby smiles. 

The one where I say yes.

There is only one man in all the world

and his name is All Men.

There is only one woman in all the world

and her name is All Women.  

There is only one child in the world

and the child's name is All Children. 

~Carl Sandberg

In early February, despite lots of hand sanitizer, breastmilk and frequent reminders to, "Cough into your elbow, please," all three of my girls got RSV.

Upon getting the diagnosis, I covered my daughter's ears, so that I could utter desperate and cathartic prayers/curse words, and break down crying in front of my pediatrician.

And then this:

More desperate and cathartic swearing/praying as my sweet six-week-old, Ruby, landed herself in the hospital.
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I'm pretty convinced that on the inside, we are all whiny, selfish three-year-olds.

I actually have two whiny, selfish three-year-olds, both inside and out. One thing I really love about one of them, my daughter, Brynne, is her honesty about what she needs. After a good ole RSV- coughing-fit, she would scream say things like:

I'm sick! I'm SO sick! Please hold me, Mama, I'm SO sick! 

I have no idea where her flair for drama comes from....

Anyway.

When Brynne asked to be held in her helpless, whiny, sick state---sometimes I would be filled with compassion, and hold her. And, sometimes my own inner-whiny-selfish-three-year-old won out, and I just could not muster up any grace for my daughter. I just can't be a rock-star parent all the time!

But.

I think God sorta digs the whole whiny-selfish-three-year-old thing, in fact, I think that's why he said, Let the children come to me...:

I'm tired! I'm SO tired! Please hold me, Jesus, I'm SO tired!

Jesus is a rock-star parent all the time. He wants to hold me anytime my whiny three-year-old self needs him to. And he really wants to hold you too.  

So, through this whole RSV ordeal, I've learned a few things. Jesus really can hold you. I mean, really, physically hold you. You just need to do two things:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, use any variation of the phrase, "I'm fine."

That terrible "f" word. F-I-N-E

People love to give. We are all constantly fighting our inner whiny-selfish-three-year-old. It's hard some times. No one wants to be a jerk all of the time. One of the best ways to fight that inner jerk is to serve others. Please, please allow people to serve you! Think of it as doing your civic duty to keep jerks at bay.

We belong to each other. Mr. Carl Sandberg got it right---we are All Men, All Women, All Children. We were designed to be in community to serve one another to love one another---you should not walk through hard things alone. Embrace community---let community love you and serve you.

Nothing squelches community more than the "f" word. Swallow that word and pride and...

2. Say yes.

When people offered to bring me good coffee, non-hospital food, a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold Ruby, so I could take a shower or sleep---I said, "Yes!" I mean, really, who can say no to good coffee?!

This wasn't, and still isn't easy for me to admit that I can't do it all. That I'm not God.

But---that's a good place to be.

I'm actually thankful that I was in that place of desperation.

Not because my girls were sick, but because, when I said yes, I felt God's arms wrap around me tightly through each generous act of love. I felt others carry my burden.

Sleep-sacrificing, good-coffee-bringing, burden-carrying---this is what Jesus was talking about when he told us to love one another. That is community. 

And. When you let your community love you like that---that is what it feels like when God holds you. 

I want to challenge you. Be in community. Let yourself be known. Love. Be loved. And. Say yes! You'll feel God holding you too.

Linking with Jen.

When Satan Tempts Me To Despair

The morning of January third dawned early. I breakfasted and prepared to go welcome Ruby into the world.

It was a little overwhelming. With a push, life was going to change. Dramatically.

I found myself weepy, and despairing. My very unreliable, pregnancy-hormone-driven feelings were ruling my head and my heart. No matter what truth I told myself, I worried and feared and grieved.

Sometimes grieving the old is necessary in order to welcome the new. But it's not healthy to wallow in that place. Especially not on your kid's birthday.

As I was leaving all choked up, I told my friend, who was watching Brynne and Hadley for us, that I was struggling, and to pray for me. She told me she would pray, and would love to give me a hug, but she hadn't brushed her teeth yet. Ha! That's one of the many reasons I love her. So thankful for the levity she offered in that moment.  

This is one of her favorite verses:

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be silent. ~Exodus 14:14

 Easier to listen to God when you're silent.

Silence requires the discipline to recognize the urge to get up and go again as a temptation to look elsewhere for what is close at hand. It offers the freedom to stroll in your own inner yard, and to rake up the leaves there and clear the paths so you can easily find the way to your heart. Perhaps there will be much fear and uncertainty when you first come upon the "unfamiliar terrain", but slowly and surely you will discover an order and familiarity which deepens your longing to stay home...whenever you come upon this silence, it seems as though you have received a gift, one which is "promising" in the true sense of the word. It promises new life. It is the silence of peace and prayer, because it brings you back to the One who is leading you. ~Henri Nouwen

It was a gift, this silence. As I welcomed endured those blasted pitocin-induced contractions, my head and my heart were full of truth. Fear and worry melted away. I was thankful---especially once I had an epidural.

(And can I just say---if you labored and delivered naturally with pitocin, you are my hero. I just couldn't hang.)

In that place of quiet. I was able to see the gift of welcoming Ruby into the world. 

If you've had twins, you know how crazy the birth can be. If you haven't, here's a glipse at our experience: we delivered in the sterile, very cold operating room. There were at least 10 people (nurses, my doctor, pediatricians, respiratory therapists, and others) waiting to welcome our 35 weekers. The girls got whisked away right after they were born to regulate their temperatures and to help them breathe better. Then, EVERYONE wanted to meet our girls---it was a circus in my hospital room non-stop from morning till evening, and we had no time get to know our girls. They discovered that Brynne had a heart defect, and her beautiful lips kept turning a scary shade of blue. Then, Brynne was transferred to the NICU at another hospital. Brad went with her, and I stayed with Hadley. 

I don't know what I expected, but that was hard and overwhelming.

Ruby's birth was different. Peaceful. Beautiful.

• We delivered in a normal delivery room. 

• There were only three medical people in the room. 

• They put Ruby on my chest the second she was born. (I had no idea they even did that!)

• And, more. They didn't whisk her away anywhere. They let her stay and hang out for awhile before they cleaned her up. 

• I got to breastfeed her right away. 

• The heart defect she had in my belly was gone. I asked every.single.time a nurse or doctor checked out Ruby, just to make sure the last person hadn't missed anything. Her heart is perfect.  

• Hardly anyone knew we were in labor, so there were no texts or facebook distractions. We were fully present to the miracle of Ruby's entrance into the world. 

• We had no visitors (other than Brynne and Hadley). So we enjoyed lots of newborn snuggles.

The whole experience was so redeeming for me. Silence allowed the full weight of that to soak in.  To revel in joy and thanksgiving. To rest. To bond with sweet Ruby.

A slow stillness of the new. And a joy of this most precious gift. 

A friend from church, quite unexpectedly, took this picture of me and Ruby. Ruby was just a little over a week old, I'm quite sure I was sleep-deprived. I love this moment he captured! It's real. It's beautiful. I don't have on makeup, my hair isn't done, I forgot to put on earrings. But I got in the picture, and I'm really glad I did. There's a joy, a glow that he captured that is sacred and lovely. 

Brynne and Hadley have an announcement...

...they are big sisters!

Ruby Edith 

03 January 2013

9 pounds

20 inches long

I've wanted to put something up here for days now. It's a challenge when I don't often have two free hands, so I'm going with short and sweet. 

There's the hope that I'll be able to write more soon---we'll see.

All is well. Our three little girls are adjusting better than I could have ever imagined, largely due to the overwhelming love and support we've received from our community here. We are blessed to do life with some amazingly generous people, who love us well---what a gift.

Our hearts (and our hands) are full of good things.

Now throw your hands in the air and wave em like you just don't care

If I'm completely honest, there are moments when I'd like to be a toddler.

You know. Those moments when some stranger looks at your pregnant belly and your pigtailed twin daughters, and says that he "...really hopes there's just one in there this time."

Really?! They can hear you. Jerk!

Oh! To be a toddler in those moments! I would pick up the nearest plastic toy and bop him on the head.

There are other, more joy-filled moments of toddler hood that I would love to embrace too. 

Recently, the girls have taken to having dance parties while I'm getting supper ready. They dance and sing unabashedly around the living room. I love that there's no holding back, no reserved self-awareness. They go all out.

You know when you hear that song you just love, there's this physical feeling in your chest? The music literally moves you? You want to dance, sing and just rock out to respond to that feeling?

Toddlers do that.

The other day, Brynne brought over her cat, sat in my ever-shrinking lap, and played a song. Since sitting impeded dancing, she just raised her arm up in the air. She was fully present, reveling in the music. I mean, who isn't completely overcome while listening to an instrumental version of The Farmer in the Dell?!?

This got me thinking about worship.

My church background has consisted of worship through the singing of hymns and a mostly serious (liturgical) worship service. If the music moved you, there was typically no outward expression---my people are also sometimes referred to as the "The Frozen Chosen". My label for the folks who responded to music through dance or raising their hands in worship was "Holy Roller".

It's interesting how our experiences and learning change our perspectives sometimes, isn't it? 

For the first time in my church history, we're attending a church with a tradition that falls somewhere between "frozen chosen" and "holy roller". Our pastor calls it being pentecostal with a seat-belt. There's no jumping and dancing down the isles, but there definitely a few arms raised in worship during the music portion of the service. 

Brad and I have had lots of conversations about how the music at our church moves us, and we feel compelled to respond by raising our hands in worship, but it's so outside of our comfort zone. So, we don't. Or didn't.

After my sweet Brynne sat on my lap, arm raised in response to her music, I was struck that at some point, she will practice restraint. Sometimes that's appropriate. If her jam comes on the radio when she's she's driving, approximately 14 years from now, she better keep her hands at 10 and 2!

But.

I want her to dance, I want her to raise her hands in worship to her Jesus, if she feel so moved.

And.

How else will she know that's okay, acceptable, and even pleasing to God if she doesn't see it modeled?

So, this past Sunday, when I felt moved by the worship music, instead of practicing my usual restraint, I raised my arm. It felt freeing. I felt like how Brynne and Hadley look dancing around our living room.

Maybe my ice is melting.