(I've taken to calling the baby "Charlie" ---we aren't revealing the sex---my mom used to always call her babies "Charlie" before they were born; I'm adopting her little nickname).
So, I'd like to tell you a bit more about our little #1348. We found out last Tuesday that "Charlie" has a heart defect.
Maybe I should back up a bit.
It's been quite a journey for me these past 20 weeks.
I've battled the voices of fear and doubt in my head telling me that I'm not enough.
Fear is a big ole fat liar, by the way. Still, he's so convincing sometimes.
Anyway, it hasn't been pretty. My heart.
So, I took my ugliness to God. I've spent lots of time with God. I've
Here's the truth:
I am enough.
Each moment of each day God gives me---gives you----the grace we need to be enough. Enough for our children. Enough for our spouses. Enough.
Even if you have three under the age of three----you are enough. Yeah, I know. Every day I need new grace to believe that too---especially when there's hair pulling or not-naps going on.
Here's the other truth mixed in with a couple miracles:
I have people praying for me to be amazed.
Are you ready for it?
As I sat in the ultrasound room teleconferencing with the perinatologist (that's a fancy title for a doctor who takes care of mamas and babies that are at a higher-than-normal risk for complications), I felt calm.
He explained "Charlie's"condition to me---all the degrees of severity, possible treatment options, and what the next steps would be.
So, here it was, that little miracle: I sat there completely calm. I even remember feeling amazed that I wasn't dissolving in a puddle of tears. A calm, pregnant lady being told that something is wrong with her baby.
The nurses kept giving me sideways glances, incredulous that I hadn't crumbled, expecting me to lose it at any moment.
I believe that through all the time I've been hanging out with God, I was being prepared for this---all of this, and I don't even know yet, what this entails yet.
Something I keep coming back to from my time spent praying and reading and arguing with God is this verse:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ~Lamentations 3:22-23Or in other words:
And if I know that to be true. If I believe that with my whole heart, then I am okay. I am always okay. And, "Charlie" is going to be okay too.
If you pray, please pray for our echocardiogram on September 11th that:
- we would have peace while we wait for the appointment
- that the hole in "Charlie's" heart will show signs of shrinking
- that "Charlie" won't need any surgery.
UPDATE** After I wrote this. Brad informed me that he didn't like calling our baby "Charlie"---no offense, Mom. Instead, he would like to call our baby "Pat". I can only hope someone out there watched Saturday Night Live back in the day, and knows what the heck I'm talking about, and finds this picture somewhat humorous: