True Beauty Conversations: Reality Check {Guest Post}

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!


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Today we're featuring a guest post from Melissa's dear friend Sarah.

I met Sarah doing something crazy (probably mattress surfing) in the halls of "Middle Howard".  She has to-die-for curly hair, is super spunky, she plays the guitar and sings worship songs, and is compassionate enough to cry when others hurt.  She shepherded the hearts of many girls on my dorm hall.

I had the amazing opportunity to serve with Sarah at a Christian girl's camp.  Normally, we only crossed paths at the pool where she life guarded while I worked as a counselor and high ropes instructor.  But one week some other counselors needed a break and Sarah and I were paired together in a cabin to work with a teen camp.  There may have been a silly interlude of "Señor Navel" visiting our teens... but the only 'evidence' is a headless slightly blurry picture... hardly verifiable in a court of law as anything other than circumstantial evidence.

But in all seriousness, that week as teen counselors stretched and grew both of us immensely.  We dealt with some of our own fears of beauty as reflected through the eyes of young girls barely starting high school.  We pleaded with a young girl who had already sought her worth in the eyes (and hands) of a man twice her tender age of 15.  We stayed up late talking about the hard things and trying to process how to serve these girls and who we were becoming in Christ.  And we gave one another many reality checks that week: some brisk edifying "Snap out of it and serve these girls." and some "God made you beautiful and that's the truth."

Since camp, God has taken Sarah on a long road.  She married prior to finishing school to a guy who appeared to love the Lord and doted on her.  She became unexpectedly pregnant with a sweet girl named Emma who has milk allergies, is gluten-free, and has Asperger syndrome (a syndrome low on the autism spectrum).  After a couple years of marriage, Sarah had to be strong enough to endure a biblical divorce and become a single working mom.  A few years later the Lord brought back an old friend who loved Him to love her.  They've been married for almost 2 years now and are daily striving to serve each other and Him to the best of their grace-reliant resources.

Through it all, Sarah's attitude has only become more gracious as she learned endurance and joy through the difficult paths she's walked.  Oh, Sarah, I am so blessed to call you friend and wish we could visit more often.

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Ya know, there are many people in the world that seemingly have it all together and also have everything all together in a nice house. They look great, are really "cool", have friends with class, big-important jobs, and money. I've honestly been struggling with the "looking great" (i.e. perfect body) aspect of all of this for about two years. Now don't get me wrong, many of you know I'm trying to eat healthier and make better choices in food and exercise and that's fine and dandy. 

But when my heart is set on the goal of perfect, tan, skinny, American wife and mom I lose sight of what's truly important. I begin to not just keep a healthy biblical goal of eating healthy but lose integrity and forget about the truth of Christ's love that really matters. 

Yep, it's bold to say that, and might sound extreme but that's honestly and truthfully what we lose when we strive to be like the world!


True integrity, doesn't come with perfection, in any form, or jean size! In fact, Christ tells us to cease striving and to lean on Him for help. So why do I continue to desire to look like the world when I'm only here visiting? And not just in my clothes size but in longing for bigger and better things such as money and home.


Friends, we are living in a modern day Babylon. I'm learning, in my new Bible study in Sunday School (Daniel by Beth Moore), the the parallels between the ancient and very worldly Babylon are actually very, very similar to today's world. The book of Daniel is the best example to explore these truths. Our class has only gotten as far as chapter one, in which Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah stand up to the chief guard and request to eat clean healthy foods vs. the king's food.

But, in this modern day world, why do we seek worldly beauty and choices over true beauty and Biblical truths?! Why don't we stand up to the chief of all lies and say we're standing in truth and requesting to seek to be like Christ not that tan blonde with the size 4 pants?!I've got a new mind set, sweet friends. Time to seek some more Jesus and less of myself. Will you join me?

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it."
Mark 8:34-36

Do keep in mind that it's okay to eat healthy and stay at your height proportioned weight. That's taking care of your body that God gave you and there's nothing wrong with that. But let's aim even higher and set our sights on walking in truth, God's word. Let's stand on that more than a scale, dressing room floor, a "cool" but bad scene or Satan's pretty little lies of deception.

Let me leave you with a humorous reality check I was dealt, lovingly, a few nights ago. My sister and best friend is a realist to the max and I love that about her. She's always had a good head on her shoulders and heart in her chest. She knows how much I greatly desire the best for my family, but sometimes I get over exhausted in the perfection of spotless carpeting and sparkling dishes. So here's what she did: she rearranged Emma's doll house to reflect the humorous truth about a home.

Rather than sleeping babes, we have....

 the toddler climbing out of the crib! Emma was doing this, mind you, at 15 months. Which is mind boggling because she didn't walk till almost two years old! I tell ya, that kid has some serious determination! Haha.

 Oh look, the sweet little baby boy is washing the kitty in the toddler tub :)

 The mother desperately trying to sleep before her 5 a.m. alarm clock goes off.......Not that this is at all exactly like me or anything! lol

 The Daddy staying up late reading his nerd blogs and web pages, exploring new gadgets........very familiar lol. My favorite part about this photo though is that the doll Daddy is looking at Fisher Price girl clothing. 

Improvement, I say! 

 And of course the dog is escaping.

 And the puppy has found the dog food, readied to hork it down!

   Lastly, and my favorite, the toddler is raiding the fridge (of course for GF foods lol).

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 Thank you, Sarah, for a reality check.  Your words are strong, but they are true.  Often times I find myself wishing for the perfectly kept house, perfect body, perfect... one thing. But what I have in Christ is soo much more than anything else. 

True Beauty Conversations: New Perspectives

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!

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Julia and I are starting to feel that we've covered most everything we set out to cover from the beginning, not exhaustively by any means.  However, we've done the best we can with our God-given abilities.

But we're not sure this is finished.

Why?

Because there are millions of women on this planet all with their own experiences and God-granted insights on beauty.

Today I'm going to feature one of them, but first I wanted to ask you, beautiful readers, if you would like to contribute to our conversation? 

Have the truths in this series changed the way you've thought about yourself or beauty in general?

Did we miss something important that you'd like to cover?

Do you have older girls than ours and want to give us few tips on parenting daughters who embody and know what true beauty is?

Are you a husband or father (I know there are a few of you who drop by... don't be shy!) who wants to say something to the wives and daughters?

If so, we want to hear your thoughts.  Please drop us a line through either a comment or an email (you can find our emails on our blogger profiles) and let us know that you have a new perspective on this conversation.  We'll be honored to feature you.

Now, let's hear a little from my friend Jen.

I've known Jen since our junior year in college.  My roommate and I had moved in and so had most of the other new students, but our transfer student from San Diego had not arrived.  We were all anticipating her arrival.  Seriously, how did a sophisticated city girl from the west coast end up at a tiny Christian college in the foothills of South Carolina?

After hearing that very question approximately 4 million times, quirky Jen began to respond with: "I stood with my back to a map of the US and I threw a dart.  Where ever it landed I looked for the closest school!"

Her humor and gentle care won over the whole dorm.  Soon she was ringleader for mattress surfing in the hallways and had encouraged all the girls to open shops in their room with their hidden talents.  Jen served up coffee, hot cocoa, laughter, and honest conversation in her dorm room.

Jen and her future husband Abel in 2005

And not much has changed in all the years I've known her.  She may have married sweet Abel the woodsman,  she may have traveled the world, and she may be suffering from a mysterious neurological disorder that leaves her thoughts scattered and sometimes irretrievable-- but when you're with Jen you feel like you're the only thing that matters to her and that your conversation is the most important thing in her life.

I hope you'll catch a little bit of that spirit in this letter she wrote me.
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True beauty?

I had been reading your blogs over the last few weeks and had been truly
intrigued with your conversation about beauty. I, like every other girl in the world,
struggles with the idea of beauty, who has it and doesn’t? Why some are seen as
beautiful on the outside but are secretly dying on the inside?

I feel as though I have never reached the beauty standards of our world, most
days I am okay with that. Then there are the moments when my confidence and
security in God’s love comes crashing down, and I see myself as the ugly duck
and the tsunami wave of insults overtake my mind and body.

In those moments of darkness, because that is what they are, I saw myself
without God (light), and without HIS beauty. I fooled myself into thinking that if
I just had the right clothing then I would be beautiful. And when that didn’t work, maybe, if I loose a few pounds... and anorexia was my solution. Surely, I thought after loosing 45 pounds
I could find beauty in myself and so would others. But I was wrong once again.
Only after a moving 3,000 miles away from home, pouring myself into God’s
word to find comfort, and new found friends would my image of beauty change.

I still struggle daily to find God’s love when I look in the mirror. I am tempted
when I see something that I do not like, to starve myself again, to start throwing
insults at myself.

But only by God’s amazing GRACE am I able to see a beautiful
daughter who was made in HIS image. That HE carved out each curve and
dimple, and made an incredible man to LOVE each wrinkle, gray hair, and hairy
legs.

I feel as though, as long as we live in a sinful world we will always struggle with
the image of beauty. Although, we as HIS daughters, have one advantage:

HIS gracious and amazing LOVE.

What Are We Missing?:True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!

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Dear Melissa,

This week I read this post from Kendra at Miracle of the Moment. She talks about what it means and what it would look like for her family to "be okay", and here's some of what she came up with:

• to see her children grow well into adulthood
• for her marriage to thrive
• for her children's marriages to thrive
• for her children to be good spouses and parents 
• for her children to love Jesus 
• good health
• to have enough money

 So, this morning, as I remembered it was Friday. I thought about Kendra's post in terms of beauty.

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Follow me over here to read the rest.

Hushed: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!

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My girls have an obsession with Goodnight Moon.
It's not what you'd expect. They're not excited about seeing the moon or the cow jumping over the moon. Not even the kittens who they'll meow for are the reason this book is so dearly loved.
As soon as they hear me say "And a bowl full of mush...", both girls are holding little fingers to their wide open mouth in joyful anticipation. They're waiting for the moment when they can say, "Hush!"

I feel hushed.

I've felt this way for a couple weeks now. I guess you can feel that a little from the my Living the Truth post and the silence on my blog.

Who am I (so fallible, so prideful, so weak!) to sit and write or speak of anything holy?
Who am I to have been invited into His Story?
And the Accuser darts in to make me feel guilty for this time of hush, for speaking what I can't manage to live, or even for putting myself out there at all. "Retreat!" he cries and perhaps I listen too often to the wrong voice. I find myself quickly buried under an avalanche of perceived expectations, failures, and criticism.

And there's only one way to get out from underneath an avalanche of this size:

To Count Truth.

To Count Grace.
To Count the Moments.
To Count Beauty Bestowed.

My gratitude journal lies empty this week, some little girl ran off with it and I have seen no need to hunt it down. And because it is missing, I haven't stopped to savor beauty. I haven't truly seen the things in my life that are truth.
Whatever is lovely... think on it.

Two girls are screaming now rather than napping... cutting these last 8 teeth between them has been hard work. The only truth that I can meditate on is:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

And that is a beautiful truth. A truth worth being repeated daily to myself.

Teething is a season, and it will soon pass. Savor those moments snuggling that poor baby.

Being hushed is a season, and it will soon pass. Savor those moments of having a quiet and broken spirit and use them to fill yourself with the beautiful truths found only in the word of God.

The Real Cinderella: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!

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Hi, it's me again! In an effort to respond to both of your letters, Melissa, as I said I would, I'm back again this week, addressing these words.
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I don't think Cinderella's life was all that glamorous. I mean--glass slippers?! Ouch!



Give me running shoes any day!



That's to say nothing about the dress:



I bet she just threw some coins in that fountain, and is peering at her reflection, wishing that cinched waistband felt more like yoga pants.
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Extend yourself some grace, Melissa. Life isn't a fairytale. Marriage isn't a fairytale; not even close.

I think your words resonate with a lot of mamas; they sure resonated with me, and there is no baby cookin' in this oven!

Our princes walk in the door, and all we want is a break. We see them as our knights in shining armor, rescuing us from the constantness of motherhood--and we want that rescue to begin immediately!

Our princes want to rescue their lady, they really do, but they want to kiss their bride and all of that gushy stuff.
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Read the rest at Melissa's.

The Ugly Ducking: True Beauty Conversations

Please excuse the lateness of this post. Blogger was down for about 30 hours yesterday and today.

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!
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Dearest Melissa,
Before I can really get started, I must ask your forgiveness. Three weeks ago you wrote a beautiful letter in response to mine. You poured out your heart, and offered grace to me.

And my response? Lady Gaga.

The post was well-intentioned. I didn't mean to put Lady Gaga up on some pedestal. To be honest, saying I "love" her might have been a bit of a stretch. Truth be told, I know nothing of her politics, personal life, or even all of her music. I do enjoy grooving to her tunes when I'm working out, or to motivate myself on my way to work out. As I told you in an email---if Amy Grant could kick it like Gaga does, I'd totally jam to that.

I realize, too, that both the song and the Glee episode had implications of homosexuality. I absolutely did not want to go there. There was truth in the message, for what it was, without opening that can of worms.

My letter was on topic, as far as our theme about Beauty, but it ignored the words from your heart. You are right, friend. When things get serious, I tend to find ways to interject humor and fun. All of that is well and good, but not when I ignore you and come with my own agenda.

Thank you for your grace in your response last week. Please forgive my insensitivity?

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So, in light of my words above, I in many ways, feel like I'm responding to two your letters.

A few weeks back you wrote these words:

Our histories are meant to be told because they are parts of His Story. Our histories, however sordid or bleak, are meant to be told, meant to be shared as the beautiful gifts that they really are!


Julia, we can't hide our history. We can't toss it out in the trash like a group of journals and live as if it never happened.

I love this.

It made me think, oddly enough, of The Ugly Duckling, the fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen. Hang with me. I know it's random. I can explain.

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Hop on over to Melissa's to read the rest of my letter.

The Living Truth: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!


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Dear Julia,

Two weeks ago I wrote, inspired, about being part of His Story.  And I know that's true- my history, my present, and even my future are Redeemed by His Blood.  They're being used for His Glory.

But the hardest person to preach the gospel to is always myself.

Lately, my story feels like Cinderella's--- and not the good parts.  I feel like all I ever do is cook, or change diapers, or feed babies, or edit photos, or clean (when the mood strikes me), or paint cabinet doors (whose idea was it to remodel the kitchen herself?!).  My hair is limp, my face feels the greasiness of summer humidity, and my daily uniform is a lightweight pair of paint-spattered PJ/sweatpants because I lent a friend all of my maternity clothes prior to finding out about our surprise baby on the way.

And then my prince walks through the door and reaches out to embrace me...

(Cue the uplifting fairy tale music!)


But wait, nope, the Cinderella girl is pushing the prince away. She's gone back to cooking or is sulking with her dinner plate.

Is this what happily ever after is supposed to be?

I don't think so.

But when Derek walks in the door, all I want is a break.  I want to go outside in the evening breeze and paint those seemingly multiplying cabinet doors.  Or I want to sit in the cool basement and leisurely sew some little hand project. I want to go to the gym and swim laps until I'm tired.

And all Derek wants to do is...

Well, you can imagine...

You're married. ;-)

But, by golly, I've been serving people all day and the last thing my exhausted (pregnant) body wants to do is that.  And has he even seen my grungy tired self who hasn't showered in 3 days?  Why would he want me?

Tell me I'm not the only one who feels that way. Tell me I'm not the only one who has a hard time connecting the Truths we've been discussing with that day to day moment when my husband walks in the door expecting a hug and a kiss.

Where is the beauty of a quiet and humble spirit when my husband gets home?  My heart leaps when he comes home, but not in excitement to hear about his day or to feel warm and protected in his embrace.  No, I'm excited because there's somebody home to serve me.  (And, by wild grace, he does serve His maker by serving me.  What a guy!)

But it's not about me, is it?

No, it's about serving and worshiping the one true God.

So where should that truth lead me?

When my husband comes home, he sees my non-showered PJ pant wearing self as beautiful and very attractive (maybe even desirable!).  I should thank God for the sweet grace of his affection.

And then I should preach the Gospel to myself.


"Melissa, Jesus loves you and came to die for you so you might live in joyous freedom from the sin of selfishness.  On top of all that He gave you a husband that sees you as irresistibly beautiful.  What a gift!  The overflow of your heart should be gratitude that spills over into contented service-- in the desire to be a gift to Derek in the way he is a gift to you."

Oh, the sweet Gospel!  It's hope that even I can change.

You're on the Right Track, Baby: True Beauty Confessions

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!

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My Dear Melissa,

I have three confessions to make.

The first confession is that I am a "Gleek". Yes, I love Glee!

Your voice once echoed through Carnegie Hall. You know what it's like to sing beautifully.

I don't.

You dance. You dance in costume, no less.



I cannot dance. Unless I'm sitting down. I'm an excellent chair dancer.

But--in the privacy of my kitchen as I cook for my family during naptime, I dance and sing along with those crazy Glee kids, pretending to be a rock-star-diva.

Second confession: I love Lady Gaga.

Sure, she wears dresses that look like hanging meat and plunks a hunk of raw steak on her head for a hair bow, but that chick can kill a performance!


photo credit

I think that what’s so appealing about her to so many people is that she's an original. We all are, but she really lets is all hang out—in her music, in her fashion. She just doesn’t care.

So—on this week’s episode of Glee, my two loves collided, and it was too amazing, and too fitting not to talk about!
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Hop on over to Melissa's to read my third confession and the rest of this post.

His Story: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!

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My sweet Julia,

When I was pregnant with the girls I made a drastic decision to throw out all my journals.  Those journal contained my history from 7th through 12th grade.  It is a history I am not proud of and it was not something I wanted my children to stumble on unprepared.

I did not want them reading of

• how I would chase boys around the playground hoping they might notice me
• hands that reached where they should not of without permission
• the deep miserable longing to be loved and accepted
• that longing so deep that I laid bare before two young men
• feelings of failure that drove me to food for comfort
• my pride that I knew everything and that no one could teach me anything
• volumes of depressing poetry relaying my fear that I would never be good or beautiful enough

Like you, I did not want my children peering into the vivid and painful history painted by my young perspective.

But at the same time, my rough history and yours are


His Story.


His Story of redemption.

His Story of reaching down and buying back with His very life that which others had overlooked as valueless.

His Story.
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The Jesus Storybook Bible that we read to the girls tells us about His Story this way:

No, the Bible isn't a book of rules, or a book of heroes.  The Bible is most of all a Story.  It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne--everything-- to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life!


You see, the best thing about this Story is-- it's true.


There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.

Oh, Julia, you and I know just looking at our history how much we needed God to rescue us!

How much we needing His Story of Redemption.

And our painful history is as much a part of His Story as the cross that brought redemption.

After all, what meaning would the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt have if we were not told about the harsh slavery?

What meaning would the story of David and Goliath have if we had first not learned that David was the runt of his family and left to tend the sheep?

What meaning would the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den have if we did not know that Daniel was brought from his homeland as a captive and yet still served the Lord faithfully?

What meaning would the story of Zacchaeus being asked to host Jesus have if we had not known how he had cheated and stolen from so many?

What meaning would the story of the father running to his prodigal son have if we had not known how the son had taken his inheritance and squandered it foolishly?

Julia, don't you see?!

What meaning would the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus have for you and me if not for our torrid, tearful histories?

Our histories are meant to be told because they are parts of His Story.  Our histories, however sordid or bleak, are meant to be told, meant to be shared as the beautiful gifts that they really are!

Julia, we can't hide our history.  We can't toss it out in the trash like  a group of journals and live as if it never happened.

May it never be!

Let us humble ourselves and be willing to tell our histories in the new light of His Story.

Why?

Because it brings healing and hope to others to hear that your new beautiful heart was redeemed from compulsive unhealthy exercise and a terrible break-up.

Because it brings healing and hope to others when I tell that my new beautiful heart was redeemed from the prison of always seeking love and praise in the wrong places.

Our struggles with beauty, our pain, our losses, our trials, our broken places: they are all part of His Story.  And whenever He breathes into our story and makes it His Story, He redeems it.  He gives our story, His Story, the power to touch lives. With the enabling of the Holy Spirit our story that showed a small sparkle of hope to another can be used to create another life story of His redemption.
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So was I wrong to throw out my journals containing those 5 years of my history?  No. They contained all of the angst and self-absorption of a person who could not see the pain as a path to a sweet brokenness that led me to the Healer of Hearts.

Would it be wrong for me to hide my past from my daughters?  I think so.  Stories of redemption have no meaning without the context of slavery to sin and the pain experienced.

If I can't say--

This is where your mommy was when the Lord Jesus Christ stepped down to rescue me,

then that rescue holds no meaning for me, or my listener.

If I can't say--

Oh, baby, I am so sorry that I yelled at you!  There's still a rough place in mommy's heart that Jesus is working on.

then the redemption of my story has no real meaning in my day to day life.

If I can't say--

Mommy asked you to obey.  The Bible say to honor your mother and father because we are supposed to keep you safe and teach you what is right.  I know how hard it is to obey. I struggled with obedience too until Jesus changed my heart and made it beautiful for Him.  He can change your heart too, if you ask him.

then sharing the gospel--the news that he can change even the vilest sinners (me)-- becomes impersonal and preachy.

Our histories are His Stories of Redemption.

His Story.

Telling His Story as it happens in our lives bring hope and grace to the hearers--- even when those hearing of our pain and failures are our own innocent daughters.

Redemption: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!
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Dearest Melissa,

We've spoken of many things through this series.

We've talked of modesty, words, parenting our daughters, teaching our daughters about Beauty, who is Beautiful and about living out Beauty to glorify the One who made it.

It's a lot to strive for, and much to live up to.

Of course, no one is perfect. We all have shortcomings.

But, what about when we fail?

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When I was in graduate school, my life felt completely and utterly out of control:

• my boyfriend broke my heart
• two of my best friends were engaged to be married
• I was a bridesmaid in both weddings
• from the recesses of my memory, I recalled trauma from my childhood
• my family was one big disaster
• graduate school was hard and demanding
• I was working two part-time jobs

I was in the depths of despair. I handled "the depths of despair" poorly, to say the least.

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Hop on over to Melissa's to read the rest of my letter.

In Search of Real Modesty: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!


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Dearest Julia,

Modesty

It's such a buzz word in the Christian community.  Yet the word means such different things to each person.  Some think modesty means flowing dresses and head coverings. Others believe modesty means women should only wear skirts and dresses.  There a new movement for modesty coupled with modern dress.  Finally, there are those who feel that bikinis can be modest because they cover all the important bits.

But I'm going to consult Dictionary.com and go back to the definition of the word itself.

Modesty

1. The quality of being modest; freedom from vanity, boastfulness
2. Regard for decency of behavior, dress, speech
3. Simplicity; Moderation

Modest

1. Having or showing a moderate or humble estimate of one's merits, importance, etc; free from vanity, egotism, boastfulness or great pretensions.
2. Free from ostentation or showy extravagance
3. Having or showing regard for the decencies of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
4. Limited or moderate in amount, extent, etc

It seems to me that the quality of modesty might just go a bit deeper than convictions on what clothing we should or should not wear.

I love applying knowledge to the act of everyday living so I'm going to break down these definitions into an evaluative tool.

Having a Moderate or Humble Estimate of One's Merits, Importance, etc

• When things do not go according to my plan,  (like when your 18-month-old pukes on the porch of the house you were walking into for a birthday party, or no matter how hard you coupon, you're unable to drop the grocery budget below the number you believe it should be at... not that these life-altering events have ever happened to me :-p) do I lash out in anger at those who didn't do things my way or ask God why he wasn't following my day planner?
• When I speak with my friends, do I truly listen to them or am I thinking of the next thing that I'm going to say?
• When my husband or friend compliments my beauty or something I have done,  do I argue against their compliment (false modesty) or do I humbly say "Thank you" (true modesty)

Free from Vanity, Boastfulness, or Great Pretensions

•  When I dress in the morning am I thinking, "I look smokin' in this!" or am I making sure that the way I dress is flattering in a way the glorifies the Living Christ?
• Am I constantly talking about my latest accomplishment? Do I grow weary or resentful if I feel that my role in a group is not acknowledged with gratitude and compliments?

Regard for Decency of Behavior, Dress, and Speech

• When I let compliments ooze over my male friends (or even my wealthy popular female friends), is my motivation to build them up in Christ or to garner their attention?
• When things aren't going as I planned, do I blame others, throw frustrated or angry fits, pout, or withdraw from an activity/relationship?  And when I do these things (after all, no one is perfect), do I admit and apologize for my inappropriate response/behavior?
• When I put on a shirt/dress/pants/bathing suit, am I tastefully covered or am I drawing eyes and minds to parts that should remain a private mystery?
• When I speak, do I bring to light whatever is lovely, or do I complain or waste words on meaningless conversation or, worse yet, gossip?
• When I speak in a relationship with a man (who is not my husband whether I am married or not), do I reveal parts of my heart that should be reserved for my God and my (future) husband?

Free from Ostentation or Showy Extravagance

• Am I dressing to gain attention? 
• Am I paying large amounts of money for designer clothing label status rather than investing in an equally flattering and equally stylish item that is priced appropriately with regards to my budget?

Simplicity; Moderation

• Am I exercising in moderation to keep my body healthy and strong, or am I working-out excessively in pursuit of an ideal body?
• Am I eating a piece of chocolate cake as a sweet indulgence or do I binge because I've had a bad day and the cake brings me comfort?

I suddenly feel as if this little definition breakdown/questionnaire is quite heavy and maybe even legalistic sounding.  I'll be the first to say that I don't measure up to this standard of modesty, particularly in the "Moderate Estimate of my Own Merits" and "Decency of Speech" categories.  But reading through lists like these (and even lists like the Ten Commandments), makes us aware of where our hearts need the loving care of our Lord to produce fruit.  Sometimes feeling a little wounded is good for growth.

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Julia, when we first started this series, I was immediately struck by the following verses on beauty.  I feel like these verses pretty much nail both outward beauty and the heart filled with modesty.  Just for an interesting little tidbit, the Greek word for beauty used here is the word "Kosmeō".  It's where we derive our word "cosmetics".

Wives, in the same way (context: as Jesus endured insults and the cross without bitterness or retaliation) submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.  Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 1 Peter 3:1-4

May we live pure and reverent lives; lives filled with the modesty that comes from knowing the glory of a God who is above all things.  May we seek the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.

Perfect Peace: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!
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Dearest Melissa,

As I was preparing to write my response, I reread your letter. Tears pricked my eyes as I read through your scars: your sister teasing you, your friends abandoning you when you were 10--ugh! I ache that you had to endure that.

We all have them. Scars.

I bet every woman reading this could share deep, painful, scars from her youth. I know I can.

Scars. Even the word is ugly, isn't it?

Scars become part of us.
We carry them around.
They are part of what makes us who we are.
And, for better or worse, scars influence the way we parent our daughters.
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Before Brad and I knew the gender of our girls, I remember thinking:

I'm not sure I can mother girls. (I think I might have even prayed for boys).

I have three sisters--I know girls, yet I wasn't sure I wanted one of my own. My reason?
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Hop on over to Melissa's to read the rest.

For His Glory Alone: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us. We would love to hear from you!________________________________________________

Dearest Julia,

Let me be honest; your last letter provoked an initial reaction from me that was extremely negative. I sat down and tried to justify why I did not want to hear your message. I even made a list of excuses:

• One bottle of fancy wrinkle cream + one tube of mascara + one box of permanent hair dye = enough money to feed, clothe, and give a Compassion Child the gift of hearing the gospel for a whole month!
• I'm a bit of a hippie outdoorsy type who, somewhat, shuns beauty products. I wash my hair with baking soda and vinegar. I moisturize and protect my body from sunburn with coconut oil. I've never had a pedicure or manicure in my life.
• I want my daughters to be little girls for as long as possible. I want them to be smearing lipstick around their whole mouth while prancing around in dress up clothes and mommy's heels at eight, or even 10 years of age!
• I want them turning cartwheels and climbing trees in their "princess dresses" while hosting a tea party with friends. 
• I want to talk to them more about the beauty of a heart filled with the Fruits of the Spirit than about how to shave their legs, or what styles flatter their shape.

But the truth is, the reason I reacted so violently toward your post is because, I'm so sinfully prideful that I should weep in repentance.

Because, if I'm truly honest, I reacted the way I did because of my own scars:

• The laughter of my sister and her friend as she mocked my "Bert and Ernie" eyebrows. I love my sister dearly and have forgiven her, but the mere mention of my eyebrows needing maintenance still incites me to tears or frustrated anger.
• Compliments only when I dress a certain way, blow dry my hair, and put on make-up: luxuries I rarely have time to complete. Not to mention that 80% of my clothing either has spit-up stains or little girl hand smudges. What about every other day? Am I only pretty when I invest a precious 45 minutes in primping?  
• All my girlfriends abandoning me and my imaginary play by the time I was 10. There was no one to play Laura Ingalls in the woods, or organize a synchronized swimming routine, or cook decorated mud pies with. No, all my friends wanted to do was talk about boys, make-up, fashion, and do each others' hair or nails.

Learn from Seventeen Magazine the disciplines required to be beautiful. The ways to dress. The ways to attract boys. The things that I could never do well enough to have one. single. success.
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Yes, these scars played hard into my reaction to your thoughts.

But you spoke truth. If I don't teach my daughters how to care from their bodies, who will? Seventeen Magazine? Well meaning friends? Hormone driven boys? Health class?

I would do well to heed your words. 

I would do well to teach my daughters how to care for their bodies, the very temples of the Holy Spirit.

Yet, there may still be a warning hidden in my own negative reaction to your words:

Even if I teach my girls to wear what flatters them,
Even if I'm the one who shows them how to shave their legs, apply make-up, style their hair,
Even if I teach them how to how to swim laps to keep their bodies strong,

if I miss teaching their hearts to wear beauty for His Glory alone,

then I have failed. 

Life isn't about presenting ourselves perfectly beautiful. Life is about finding our true value, our True Beauty, in the sacrifice of Christ. His love by dying on the cross is what shows us that we are beautiful. He alone gives us that worth. No amount of applying make-up or dressing well, can ever do anything more to make us beautiful than what he has already done. It's all grace.

Avoiding the Scars and Smears: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about Beauty this morning. We've been talking about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We're so glad you're joining us.
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Dear Melissa,

I want to be very careful in this space where we write.

Only speak words that make souls stronger.

I don't want to judge anyone for making a personal choice to undergo breast augmentation or get a Botox injection. I read this deep and rich post this week, and I feel the need to say that.

I put on make-up. I use products on my face to keep blemishes and lines away. I pluck, tweeze, and will soon be dying the ever-multiplying grey hairs on my head. I work out to keep the size of my thighs and behind respectable.

It's no different.

I use those products, yank out/color hair, and get my sweat on to enhance what God gave me. To make myself attractive to my husband, and to make myself presentable to the world.

I think part of being a Proverbs 31 woman is enhancing what God gives us--whatever that means for you. This is a careful balance, but one, I believe, is important to share with our daughters.
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Please follow me over at Melissa's to continue reading.

The Woman who Fears the LORD: True Beauty Conversations

Hello and welcome! Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about True Beauty this morning. We've been talking about Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays: What is Beauty? What will we tell our daughters about Beauty? We are so glad you're joining us!

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Dearest Julia,

As you know, I am a first generation Christian.  No one else in my family has a personal, grace-filled relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.  My parents are wonderful hard-working people who reared me, an independent strong-willed know it all, to the best of their very loving ability.

But they do not know the Lord. As I was growing up, they were not able to preach the gospel to me with their lives and words.

So as a first-generation Christian, I often stumble on scripture and have no clue how it should look in practice.  Sometimes it's a cultural problem: I don't understand the cultural context surrounding the passage. Other times I stumble because a passage seems completely impossible to live out: I'm over come by self-condemnation.

When you wrote that you wanted to have conversations with your daughters that showed them:

"What it means to be beautiful.

Who we think is beautiful.

What it is about that individual that makes them beautiful."

I suddenly began thinking about one of those passages that I have stumbled on both culturally and with self-condemnation.  The passage that I did not want to be the one to address during this series came into a sudden focus.

Proverbs 31:10-31  

This Proverbs 31 woman seems so perfect.  She spins, weaves fabric, runs a little side business, cares for the less fortunate, and has a husband and children who bless and praise her.  She gets everything right and even does some things that defy the cultural norm (buying land!) to benefit her family.

She's so perfect that she intimidates me.


I've always felt that I could never be like her.


But right there at the end of the passage the key to how this woman attains such success is quietly tucked:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

But a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

And it was when I was reading that last part ("a woman who fears the LORD") when everything finally clicked for me.


I know this woman.

I see her three times a week.

Her name is Carol.

And she's not Mrs. Perfect who proudly has it all together.  True, she accomplishes a lot; Carol's wrap sheet, if you will, is quite impressive.  In fact, within the 7 days before I wrote this, my Proverbs 31 lady has:

• counseled a friend
• baked cookies for 30+ 5th Graders
• mentored and ministered to 2 of those 5th Graders
• baked Pumpkin Cake with Cream Cheese (mmm!) frosting for workers serving in the nursery.
• served two services in the toddler nursery
• more than likely read a book aloud to her granddaughter on the phone
• led a group of ladies in a Bible study accountability group
• made meals, washed laundry, and otherwise faithfully served her husband
• restocked her pantry because she'd made so many meals for others that she was running low on food
• hugged so many people that she's probably lost count

Carol sounds pretty great doesn't she?

She might even sound like we could never rise to her standards, just like the Proverbs 31 woman.

Yet, Carol isn't proud of these things.  You would never once hear her boast of them.  No, indeed, you'd never hear Carol boast of anything except the Lord Jesus Christ, whom she fears (or is in awe of, if you prefer).  Her list of accomplishments accumulates because she loves the Lord.

Carol weeps openly over her sin.  She cries with those who mourn.  Her eyes pour forth rivers of joyous gratitude. Because she loves the Lord, Carol delights to love and serve others.  She serves others because, in the death and resurrection of her Lord, she has found the purpose for living: Bringing glory to the One who deserves all glory and honor and praise.

Carol is one of the most beautiful women I know.

Does she meet the cultural standard of beauty here in America.
Probably not.

Her white hair, her lovely wrinkled laugh lines, and her ever-present cane are practically the antithesis of the Clairol-ed hair, Botox-ed wrinkles, and fantastically fit bodies that our culture worships.

But, Carol loves the Lord Jesus in such a way that her spirit shines with the Image of God, living its full, beautiful purpose.

And that is what I want to tell my daughters is True Beauty.

That Beauty is what I hope I can embody one day as a daughter of the most Beautiful King.

What About Our Daughters?: True Beauty Conversations

On Fridays, my friend, Melissa, and I are exploring True Beauty through a series of letters. Please join us as we continue the conversation. This topic is so rich, and strikes a chord with most women. We look forward to hearing your thoughts as we continue to delve in!
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Melissa,

Oh, how your words resonated with me last week.

Truth definitely plays a game of hide and seek with me when I get into the swimming pool. And peering into the mirror in a dressing room trying on swimsuits?! Fahgetaboutit!

I often fret, Melissa, about the messages I will communicate to my daughters in those moments when I feel inadequate. The moments when truth alludes me.

My best friend growing up lived just a few doors away. We played together often. One day when I went to her house, she informed me that she was on a diet; she thought she needed to lose weight. She encouraged me to join her on this diet.

We were eight years old.

This memory stands out so vividly to me, because before that moment, I never knew there was anything wrong with me. I didn't know to critique the size or shape of my body.

It wasn't my friend's fault. Her mother was constantly dieting and spoke openly about all the ways she was dissatisfied with her appearance. It was no surprise, then, that my friend followed suit, even at her young age. Her ears were assailed with that kind of talk.

I don't want my daughters to have an experience like my friend did, hearing their mama express constant displeasure with her body.

Inevitably, my daughters, and your daughters, Melissa, will reach an awareness that they are different.

My desire and prayer for our girls is that they celebrate their differences. Delight in being daughters of The King.

How can we foster this, Melissa?
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Please follow me over here to read the rest of my letter.

Whatever is Lovely

On Fridays my friend Melissa and I are exploring True Beauty through a series of letters. Join us as we explore Beauty in our lives. We look forward to hearing from you.
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Dearest Julia,

Truth is an elusive thing, but not because it is hidden. No, truth is found where it can be plainly seen—

In the word of God,

In studying the nature of things,

In the knitting of things unseen in a womb.

Yes, truth is easily found.

Yet, truth is still elusive in the physical moment it’s needed.

You and I (and probably most women) are prime examples of this elusive truth phenomenon. We know that God created women beautiful. We read it in the Word, we see it in the women around us, we hear it from our husband’s lips.

Somehow in the physical moment of looking in the mirror,

or the moment we open a magazine,

or the moment we enter a swimming pool

the truth, the belief in the known fact that women are beautiful, suddenly becomes elusive. We cannot recall the truth the moment we’re asked to live it.

So what can we do to keep the truth that we were skillfully and beautifully knitted in perfect focus so that we can really live out the implications?

I think you hit on one answer to this question last week: We can place truth in visible places around our homes.

Tape it to our cabinets.

Stencil it to our bedroom walls.

Write it with a dry erase marker on our bathroom mirrors.

Hang art prints above our mantels.

Place sticky notes on our rear view mirrors.

Daily seeing this truth that God’s Beauty resides in us keeps the truth at the forefront of our minds. Therefore, when we’re tempted to deny the truth or act as if it’s not true, we’re able to quickly recall the truth our eyes have soaked on. We’re training ourselves to think and act on the truth.

You know training, Julia. You rise two mornings a week, long before the sun, to attend Boot Camp. You train your body to be strong. But if training your body to be strong is so important, how much more important must it be to train our minds to believe and act upon truth?

Philippians 4:8 give us one way to train our minds:

“Finally, brethren, what ever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

So how can we make that verse practical? How do we train ourselves to dwell, to think constantly, on this pure, lovely, and excellent truth?

You’ve already taught us one: write it on the door frames.

But what are some other ways that we can soak on the truth that beauty resides in us?

1. Memorize Scripture Truth. Committing scripture to memory changes your perspective in those moments you’re tempted to act or respond like truth isn’t real. It also lets you minister to others, giving hope in a moment of need. You won’t need to carry the Bible when its Words are already hidden in your heart. Amy’s recent post has a concise list of some of the scriptures regarding beauty.

2. Talk about Truth. How often is our talk with other women idle? We gossip or we talk about a great product or a fabulous sale. This talk profits our hearts nothing. When we share what we are learning we build up each others' hearts. We challenge each other to grow to be more like Christ.

3. Say Thank You. First, say thank you to God that He made you beautiful. Then, say thank you humbly each time your husband (or a friend) states this truth. Don’t argue, don’t blaspheme, just express humble gratitude.

4. Celebrate. Yes, celebrate that first time you successfully recite that verse. Celebrate that lovely conversation you had with a friend. Celebrate that moment you first said “Thank you” to your husband rather than denying the truth that he so lovingly points out. Call a friend and celebrate verbally. Give yourself a pedicure or a chocolate kiss. Make a big check mark on a list. Celebrate each grace-filled triumph; celebration keeps motivation high. Celebration caused joy to abound.

Write It On The Doorframes: True Beauty Conversations

My friend Melissa and I are continuing our conversation about True Beauty through a series of letters on Fridays. Join us as we continue to explore and embrace beauty in our lives.
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Dearest Melissa,

You are so right! God's Beauty dwells in and among us.

It is easy for me to see God when I gaze at the faces of my daughters. I mean, really?! How could you not?!

And your girls?! Just look at those eyes!



It's even easy for me to see His Beauty in the face of others.

I see Beauty in you, Melissa.

 

               

My struggle is this:

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Hop on over to Melissa's blog to read the rest.

The Face of Beauty: True Beauty Conversations

On Fridays my friend Melissa and I are exploring True Beauty through a series of letters. Join us as we explore Beauty in our lives. We look forward to hearing from you.
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Dearest Julia,

As I sit down to write this, I can see two little girls happily playing. They're simply captivating as they chatter together, pull pans from their cupboard, and push around their toys. Their delicate features light up with laughter. Their capable hands do the work of play.

I sigh happy.

These girls,
my daughters,
are breathtakingly beautiful.

But they're not beautiful because their daddy and I think so. And they're not beautiful because everyone who sees them squeals delight to be the object of their attention.

No, my daughters (and your daughters too!) are beautiful because...

the very Image of God lies within their little bodies.

His Image shines forth in their childish glee.



His Image is apparent in the perfectly coordinated movements of their limbs as they climb, once again, into my fireplace.




His Image reverberates in the air as they hum and sing the little songs He puts in their hearts.






The Image of God is stamped on their very souls.

God created man in His own Image in the image of God He created Him, male and female He created them.

Genesis 1:27

Isn't God Beauty defined?

Frankly, that is a hard thought to wrap my head around. Our God takes no daily visible form. He roamed the earth for 3 decades as a Man, but we have no photographs, nor even papyrus and ink renderings. Visibly, our God remains obscure.
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I spend a lot of time creating. I sew, I write, and I capture images and edit them into what my heart saw when I clicked the shutter. I create what is beautiful to me. I define beauty with my limited creative abilities as best as I can.

But God, so invisible to our eyes, created everything and everything He created is Beautiful.

The skyline at sunset.



The protozoa swimming in a petrie dish.



Birds pecking out a quiet rhythm.



Galaxies far, far away: ones shaped like crosses and ones with crosses right in the center.











Four little girls with wondrous excitement in their eyes.




All of it is Beautiful beyond description. Just like my own minuscule creations show beauty through my eyes, every created thing is a reflection of the most beautiful thing of all: the living God.

And that same God, Julia, He created you. He created me.

And, by some act of grace,

wild breathless grace,

God placed His image in you and me. A tiny fragment of His reflected Beauty lies in us.

Julia, His Beauty resides in you.

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Therefore, when our husbands say "You are beautiful," and we shrug off this truth with disbelief or, worse, blatantly argue with them, are we not blaspheming the very Beauty of God? Slandering that small part of His Image imparted, so graciously, to us?

May it never be!!!

May we humbly bow to repent.

May we learn, instead, to thank God for the beauty of His image thriving within us.

May we thank God that He has given our husbands the eyes to wholly perceive our Beauty within.

And may we daily ask, with the Psalmist:

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall see:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life. To behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple.

Psalm 27:4

 Lord, help us to behold your Beauty--even as it resides in us.

True Beauty Conversations: An Introduction

My husband thinks I'm beautiful.

He tells me I'm hot.

I'm a lucky girl, right?

What?!?

You don't believe him?

Don't worry, I don't either.

He pours out love from his lips, the language of his wooing. Rather than letting the words seep into my soul, I do everything I can to discredit each and every syllable that rolls off his tongue.

I point out the extra skin on my stomach.

Stretch marks.

Flaws.

Scars from carrying twins.

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In a recent phone conversation with another twin mama, we laughed joy that our husbands both thought we were beautiful, despite our new bodies.

After a pause, one of us admitted it out loud:

But, I don't believe him.

Then, Melissa posed the question:

How can we train our hearts to hear truth when our husbands express unconditional acceptance of our bodies?

How can Melissa and I hear and believe the words, "You are beautiful"?

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Beauty

This one word haunts women everywhere regardless of location or culture or even socioeconomic status. Himba women in Africa smooth their hair into elaborate dreadlocks with the clay from the earth and rub their skin down with it until they appear wholly red-brown burnished and lovely. Women in China, once obsessed with the beauty of small feet, would bind their feet until bones broke and their feet were permanently deformed; the most beautiful feet were a mere 3 inches. American women starve themselves to be as thin as the Photoshop edited models; and as they age, they resort to tummy tucks and Botox and expensive creams, hoping to achieve the impossible standard of Beauty.

Our hearts were made to crave Beauty.

There are only two things that pierce the human heart. One is beauty. The other is affliction. 

~Simone Weil

But what is Beauty? And does it reside in me? When my husband says that I’m beautiful, how can I receive those words as truth in a culture that says the opposite? What am I going to teach my daughters about Beauty? And, what does God have to say about Beauty?

Join Melissa and I on Fridays as we explore the meaning of Beauty, intersect Beauty with the Word of God, and let Beauty live in our lives.

Feel free to grab our button of this breathtaking picture taken by Melissa, to share and follow our dialogue.

We would love to hear from you! Please comment or email us with your experiences, insights and wisdom, as we embark on this journey and exploration of Beauty.

<a href="http://pontificationsofatwinmom.blogspot.com/search/label/True Beauty" target="_blank"><img alt="True Beauty: A Conversation" src="http://i670.photobucket.com/albums/vv66/MaAldrich/Buttoncopy.jpg"/></a>