The one where I say yes.

There is only one man in all the world

and his name is All Men.

There is only one woman in all the world

and her name is All Women.  

There is only one child in the world

and the child's name is All Children. 

~Carl Sandberg

In early February, despite lots of hand sanitizer, breastmilk and frequent reminders to, "Cough into your elbow, please," all three of my girls got RSV.

Upon getting the diagnosis, I covered my daughter's ears, so that I could utter desperate and cathartic prayers/curse words, and break down crying in front of my pediatrician.

And then this:

More desperate and cathartic swearing/praying as my sweet six-week-old, Ruby, landed herself in the hospital.
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I'm pretty convinced that on the inside, we are all whiny, selfish three-year-olds.

I actually have two whiny, selfish three-year-olds, both inside and out. One thing I really love about one of them, my daughter, Brynne, is her honesty about what she needs. After a good ole RSV- coughing-fit, she would scream say things like:

I'm sick! I'm SO sick! Please hold me, Mama, I'm SO sick! 

I have no idea where her flair for drama comes from....

Anyway.

When Brynne asked to be held in her helpless, whiny, sick state---sometimes I would be filled with compassion, and hold her. And, sometimes my own inner-whiny-selfish-three-year-old won out, and I just could not muster up any grace for my daughter. I just can't be a rock-star parent all the time!

But.

I think God sorta digs the whole whiny-selfish-three-year-old thing, in fact, I think that's why he said, Let the children come to me...:

I'm tired! I'm SO tired! Please hold me, Jesus, I'm SO tired!

Jesus is a rock-star parent all the time. He wants to hold me anytime my whiny three-year-old self needs him to. And he really wants to hold you too.  

So, through this whole RSV ordeal, I've learned a few things. Jesus really can hold you. I mean, really, physically hold you. You just need to do two things:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, use any variation of the phrase, "I'm fine."

That terrible "f" word. F-I-N-E

People love to give. We are all constantly fighting our inner whiny-selfish-three-year-old. It's hard some times. No one wants to be a jerk all of the time. One of the best ways to fight that inner jerk is to serve others. Please, please allow people to serve you! Think of it as doing your civic duty to keep jerks at bay.

We belong to each other. Mr. Carl Sandberg got it right---we are All Men, All Women, All Children. We were designed to be in community to serve one another to love one another---you should not walk through hard things alone. Embrace community---let community love you and serve you.

Nothing squelches community more than the "f" word. Swallow that word and pride and...

2. Say yes.

When people offered to bring me good coffee, non-hospital food, a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold Ruby, so I could take a shower or sleep---I said, "Yes!" I mean, really, who can say no to good coffee?!

This wasn't, and still isn't easy for me to admit that I can't do it all. That I'm not God.

But---that's a good place to be.

I'm actually thankful that I was in that place of desperation.

Not because my girls were sick, but because, when I said yes, I felt God's arms wrap around me tightly through each generous act of love. I felt others carry my burden.

Sleep-sacrificing, good-coffee-bringing, burden-carrying---this is what Jesus was talking about when he told us to love one another. That is community. 

And. When you let your community love you like that---that is what it feels like when God holds you. 

I want to challenge you. Be in community. Let yourself be known. Love. Be loved. And. Say yes! You'll feel God holding you too.

Linking with Jen.

Life is a beautiful struggle

This is long overdue.

(We've been full-on potty training and then I've been sick on top of that---so exhausting!)

I wanted to thank each of you that has reached out with encouragement, good thoughts, and prayers for our little baby's heart.

We belong to each other. You've revealed that truth to me over and over and over again. 

In the minutes, hours, days after I posted about little Pat's heart, prayers, words of encouragement, kind thoughts and personal experiences came pouring in. We were embraced and uplifted in love by so many people---some we've never even met.

Amazing! (My sweet friend's prayers for me to be amazed have been answered in more ways than one)

The echocardiogram revealed that our baby's heart has healed. The perinatologist spent a lot of time looking at our baby's tiny beating heart. He said there might be an itsy bitsy, pin-sized hole, but the ultrasound couldn't demonstrate it definitively. 

He said our baby's heart was beautiful.

See? Beautiful.  

I'm thankful to have walked through this experience. The month of waiting for our scan grew and blessed me in ways I never expected or knew were possible. 

So. Thank you.

Sharing with Ann.

Yes!

I haven't had much to say here lately.

I've been struggling a bit, and I've chosen not to drag you into my struggle. Being silent is the best way to do that, I think.

A friend of mine, who prays for me often, prays that I will be amazed through my struggles. In my head, I believe that God will do that----amaze me. Redeem my anxieties, my story, far beyond what I can imagine. But, my heart cries bull shit.

(I said that to a group of friends the other day, which included our pastor's wife. I'm thankful for a pastor's wife who thought that was funny.) 

So, I struggle and I pray to be amazed. That one day, my heart will see the truth that my head knows, so that I won't have to say bull shit anymore (about that).

While praying to be amazed, I've struggled to see the miracles around me.

I've told you here before, I believe everything is a miracle. When I choose to pay attention, listen and take one thing at a time---I believe I can see all those miracles best.

So.

That house that I absolutely fell in love with? We have a contract on it.

So, we are in the process of selling our house. (Know someone who wants to buy a three bedroom home in the St. Louis area? Have we got the place for you!)

If you've ever done this before, you understand the work that goes into getting the house ready for people to walk through it. 

I have often, over the past month, found myself getting our house ready, on short notice, while Brad is at work, or out of town. Frantically mopping the floors, only moments before potential buyers walk in.

Doing this with two toddlers, is no easy feat, as you can imagine, or maybe have experienced, but I have to tell you---I have seen many miracles through it. (1337) I thought I'd share some of those miracles with you today.

The girls know what it means when I tell that people are coming to our house. I often hear them saying, People coming! As they go about their work. And they take it seriously, they get down to business helping me clean. (1338)

They meticulously pick up and put away all their toys and books (1339). I'm often stunned to find things put away---even when I haven't thought to ask them to put it away. (1340)

There is such joy to watch the delight in their little faces helping me get the house ready. (1341) And--they beam, literally beam as I praise them for obeying me, and doing such a great job of cleaning. (1342)

Then, we pray. We pray that God will bless the people that come to see our house, and that the right person will like our house and put an offer on it.

After I say that last part, I look and see Hadley eagerly nodding her head, and Brynne pipes up with an enthusiastic, "Yes!" Fervent prayers, these girls are----joy! (1343)

Once we pray, I load the girls into the car and go back through the house to tidy up last minute things. I'm always finding small miracles of things the girls have done without me even asking during these last-minute sweeps. (1344)

And, this too. Yesterday, we got a bit of rain for the first time since June 16th. (1345) With the city-wide watering restrictions, most of my garden, sadly, looks like this:

But---some of my flowers are still thriving (barely). (1346) I'm delighted to say that when people have come to see the house, there's always been something blooming. (1347)

 

Linking up with Ann and Jen.

Summertime Thanks

It's summertime! It's easy to be thankful when I see our girlies out in the sunshine, having a good time. (1329-1336)

• Watermelon!

• Pool + Slide = Way more fun!

• The girls have been doing all kinds of talking lately. Some of it really cracks me up! The other day when the girls were supposed to be napping, Hadley kept saying over and over again: 

Mama! Papa! You coming, okay? Then after a pause, Please?! Just in case that made a difference.

*Sigh*

• What I'm about to tell you will most certainly put me on the same level with some 10 year old school boys, but I just couldn't help giggling when Brynne told me, very seriously:

Hadley no touch balls, Mama!

 That's right, Baby Girl, you keep on telling her that, until her wedding day. 

• Brad and I taught Sunday School yesterday. A little boy bonked his head right before snack time. After a quick cry, he decided that snack time was more important, but he asked if I would wipe his tears before he started eating. Ha! So, yesterday afternoon, Hadley was very sad that we had to leave a friends' pool. Once she stopped crying, she looked at me and asked me to wipe her tears. Apparently she was listening carefully during Sunday School. 

• Speaking of our friends' pool, I was so proud of our girls! They did such a great job kicking their feet and putting their faces in the water. They were sad to leave the pool, and have jabbered about it all day today. They can't wait to go swimming in the "big pool" again.  

• The girls have started owning (and being very proud of) their nicknames. Hadley thumps her chest and enthusiastically says, Hadley-Roo! Then, Brynne chimes in, thumping her chest Brynnie-Boo. *Giggles ensue*

Catching up on a bit of thanks

It's been a few weeks since I've listed out my thanks.

I've been making it my personal mission to make sure that the girls are sufficiently worn out every day. Napping is going better, and I believe the two are related. So---as I've thought up new adventures for our daily "wear-out sessions", my blogging has taken a bit of a backseat. 

That, and, we're negotiating on that house I told you I loved. I've never bought a house before, I had no idea it could be such a long, drawn-out process. I'm hopeful though, friends. I'm hopeful even though my husband told me that since I put out our love for the house into the blogosphere, that I may very well have jinxed the whole thing.

I don't believe in jinxes.

Anyway, because we're negotiating on the house, we've gotten our house in order, so that if we can come to an agreement on a contract, our house would be ready to go on the market immediately. In the meantime, my crock pot is packed away, and there isn't one picture of us up anywhere.

Transition is hard sometimes. Especially without crock pots and pictures.

 (1272-1298)

• Last year for Mother's Day the girls got their first taste of frozen custard. This year we repeated the tradition. I'd say that's a winning tradition, wouldn't you?

• We've had some really windy days lately. The girls love to throw leaves up in the air and watch the wind catch them and carry them away. 

• Warmer temperatures mean that the girls have been able to enjoy swimming in the backyard. And, they look super-cute in their new swimsuits from their Masa and Masi.

• The girls also enjoyed wearing their swimsuits to help their mama water all the flowers. 

 

• My parents were here visiting this past weekend. They never got tired of reading the same books over and over and over again to the girls. 

• The girls "jumping" with their grandpa. 

• My first completed sewing project was this dress I made for Hadley--I finished it a couple weeks ago. 

• My mom helped me complete Brynne's dress when she was here this past weekend. 

• Then, the girls wore them to church on Sunday. 

• New material and a new pattern to attempt more dresses for the girls.  
• This weekend I learned that both my parents can stand on their heads. My dad demonstrated his skill to all of us, and then helped the girls practice standing on their heads. I'm so thankful to have healthy, active parents!
• Reading through the Book of Ruth.
• Beginning the study of Philippians.  
• Having Brad home a bit more this past week. 
• Breezes to accompany warm temperatures. 
• Playdate with Kate, Gwen and Thomas this past week. 
•  An encouraging email from Mandy. 
• Phone calls from Melissa.
• Sharing a blueberry cobbler concrete with Hadley.
• Biscuits and gravy for breakfast. 
• Harvested cauliflower from the garden.
• The girls burying their noses in the hydrangeas. 

Smile

Things have been crazy this week.

Last weekend, the husband and I decided to go look at houses.

I proceeded to fall in love with one of the houses. LOVE!

So, we are entertaining the idea of putting in an offer on this house that I love (did I mention I love it??), while simultaneously getting our home ready to go on the market.

[I have no idea if I'm supposed to say all of this before it even happens, but I have a habit of not  doing what you're "supposed" to do.]

Anyway, if you've ever done anything like this---you know it's a lot of work. If you've never done anything like this---Friend, it's a lot of work!

So, I have a lot to smile about---a lot to be thankful for.

Even if we don't get the house, or put ours on the market. It's fun to hope and dream. To imagine. 
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Counting my gifts today (1235-1246)

• Looking through houses. 
• Finding a house that feels like it could be home. 
• Benjamin's 2nd birthday party. 
• Two girls eating cake balls.
• The sly smile on Hadley's face when I let her lick the Nutella off the knife.
• Brynne helping up Hadley when she tripped and fell over a toy. 
• Nap improvement after we separated the girls' cribs. 
• May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. ~Romans 15:13
• Fight club.
• Melissa speaking truth to me. 
• Two porches filled with potted plants. 
• Sweet potatoes planted.  

Hitch in Our Giddy-Up

With all the determination that Miss Brynne uses to keep her sunglasses on her face, even as they slip down her tiny little button nose...

...she and her sister used that same willfulness to fight naps all week long.

It's hard to be thankful when there's been such a big hitch in our giddy-up.

But...

I have wonderful mama friends who listen, and offer their wisdom and experience to me as I try to figure this napping thing out (1219)---and who give me permission to change up the schedule a bit (1220).

I have a friend who listened to me sob over failed naps and poor parenting for over an hour (1221), and then called to check on me the next day (1222). And then she wrote this. (1223)

I have a husband who gave me an afternoon off, so that I could get a massage and a hair cut (and made dinner too!) (1224)

I have a patient friend who lets the girls and I come over, so that I can learn to sew (1225). I have two dresses for the girls that are half-done (1226)-------so excited!!

That same friend was so encouraging at church yesterday when my girls were melting down (1227).

I have a garden full of color! (1228)

Brad and I have a great community group family, that prays for us and encourages us (1229), and blesses us by letting us pray for them too (1230).

I have Brynne, who loves music so, so, so, so, so much! (1231)

I have Hadley, who determinedly mastered a new puzzle in one afternoon.(1232)

And---the girls went right down for their nap today, and slept for three hours (1234). So, there's that.

Thank you, Jesus!

33

On Good Friday, I turned 33.

With a birthday in early April, occasionally my birthday falls during Holy Week.

This year, as I celebrated another year on this earth, and Christendom honored Jesus' sacrifice, I was reminded----Jesus remained thankful, even as he knew he marched towards death. Death, so that I can celebrate this beautiful life eternally.

We had a really beautiful week. So much to be thankful for. Here are my top 33 (gifts 1186-1218):

1. Watching the girls throw maple tree seeds (helicopters) up in the air, and gleefully watching them whirl to earth.

2. Girls in sunhats.

3. Two girls very determinedly mowing the lawn---er--garden.

4. A night to craft.

5. New art for our travel wall. 

6. Waking up to a bedroom full of moonlight.

7. Warm mornings to go running.

8. Laila showing up and offering go get the produce basket from the co-op, so that I didn't have to attempt it with two toddlers in tow.

9. Laila coming back with someone to load my produce basket into the car for me. 

10. Sewing machine for my birthday!!

11. Inspiration to sew---so much fun!

12. Friends, excited to show me the ropes of sewing, and teach me.

13. SarahFae generously giving me thread and material to practice. 

14. Compliments on the girls' behavior when we visited Papa at work.

15. Brynne insisting on spinning Hadley in their Papa's chair.

16. Perfect behavior from the girls when we ran into the grocery store, without the stroller, to grab one quick item.

17. The way Hadley's hair curls about her face on humid days, just like her Masi's hair does.

18. My husband's famous bunny pancakes.

19. My strong, healthy girls!

 
20. New book to read---a surprise in the mail! 

21. Dusting off my iPod and taking it on a run for the first time in over two years.

22. A hair band that doesn't slip out of my hair!

23. Date night with Brad. 

24. Celebrating Easter with church family.

25. Easter egg hunt.

26. Brynne, determinedly, keeping her sunglasses on the entire time.

27. Watching the girls running around, squealing chasing bubbles.

28. Delight over bubbles. 

29. Hadley stopping to help up a little boy, who got knocked over in all the "bubble" frenzy.

30. Medicine that's working, so that Hadley can sprint all over the field, and not cough one time. 

31. Booty.

32. After the girls went to bed, Brad and I had a contest to see who could launch these the furthest:

33. I'm pretty sure I was the winner!

Growing Pains

Every once in awhile, the girls stand still with a look of discomfort etched on their faces.

They rub their legs.
Whimper.
And I know.
I remember.
Growing pains.

Lately I've been growing.

I'm still 5'10".
My clothes still fit.

Our church is humming and vibrant. The character of Jesus has been taught to me in new ways, or maybe I'm just "getting it" for the first time.

Either way.

This whole process is a bit like what the girls are going through.

The more I understand about Jesus, the more I see the ugliness in my heart he died to save. It hurts to recognize my sin. It pains me to see how I rebel and betray the one who so lovingly created me. It smarts to see what a jerk I am sometimes.

But the ache is necessary.
And the result is growth.

God gets bigger.
Grace gets bigger.
Love gets bigger. 

“Aslan," said Lucy "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one" answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”

~C.S. Lewis in Prince Caspian

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Counting my gifts today:

1174. Brynne reaching to turn on and off light switches.

1175. Hadley figuring out how to open doors.

1176. Brynne holding an icepack on Hadley's head.

1177. Dancing in the moonlight with my husband.

1178. The girls' faces white with sunscreen.

1179. Sitting in the garden bird-watching with Brynne.

1180. Sheer awe and delight when Brynne would spot a bird.

1181. The girls insisting that their babies needed a bite of snack before they ate any more.

1182. Brynne checking the lawnmower for gas.

1183. Hadley pretending to plant tomatoes (she is all business!).

1184. Heirloom tomatoes in the garden!

1185. Sprouting seeds!

Linking with Jen. 

Funky

I've been behind on counting my gifts!

We've embraced this crazy spring, because all of this is definitely happening over a month early:

1156:

1157:

And, since all of that was happening. I decided to be very brave and plant half our garden. Kale, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts and sweet corn all in! (1158) I also went ahead and planted zinnias and sunflowers too!

Did I mention that our neighbors gave us the raised flower beds graves at the end of our garden, so that we have even more room to plant things? (1159). 

The girls love to help their mama garden! (1160) They get their buckets and shovels, and haul rocks up and down the hill----it's serious business! They'll do this for a good 45 minutes. (1161)

They used those same buckets for an Easter egg hunt this past weekend. (1162)

The girls got sunglasses over the weekend. (1163). I love how kids with sunglasses look like they have attitude--cracks me up! (1164)

The girls also recently got new shoes, which they love, (1165) and Mama loves that you can just throw them in the washing machine! (1166)

Scrapes and bruises on little toddler legs---signs of being active and adventurous outside. (1167)

The girls have been mastering puzzles that I'd thought were too old for them (1168)---one in particular has helped them to recognize really obscure shapes like the quatrefoil and parallelogram. (1169)

We've really had a language explosion around here! The girls are saying all kinds of things. Probably my favorite new word of theirs is funky. (1170). 

Every night, a-la Goodnight Moon, we say goodnight to everything in the changing room. There are two cork boards in that room, with a cork that says: 

The girls point at the cork, and say goodnight to funky every night--hilarious! (1171)

Brad and I went out on dates---that's right, plural--twice last week. It felt good to get out of my yoga pants, and spend time with friends. (1172)

I enjoyed thinking about my core values this week, and getting some things written down.

We've had a rough week with teething, especially Hadley. I laughed as I read another person's core values one of them read, "I believe that teething is a major baby design flaw." (1173)

Linking with Ann.