Oh. My. Goodness.

So.

Tuesday, the girls and I met some other mama friends for a special story time at our local cupcake bar.

As the weather has gotten cooler, we've tried to find fun activities to do indoors, and this event was something we've been looking forward to for quite some time!

The book they were reading was Purplelicious. I should have previewed this book ahead of time. It was terrible! The main character of the book got bullied the entire way through the book. Her "friends" said mean and nasty things to her.

For goodness sakes! Children figure out how to bully on their own. Do we need to show them how to do it, and introduce them to ugly language like that--in a children's book no less?!

I digress. Let's just say I could only find three positive things to say about this book:

1. There is a school bus in the book.
2. There was a pink sheep in the book. Hadley spotted it right away during the reading, pointed and said "Baaaaa," in a very loud voice. We do love our farm animals around here!
3. We learned that pink + blue = purple.

All of these points were running through my head as the story finished up, and we moved on to snack.

Now, I'll say this: I knew that having story time at a cupcake bar would probably mean a sweet treat.

I was prepared for a small sliver of cupcake. (And I know I'm not crazy for thinking this, because my friend brought along an egg-free cookie, so that her son, who has an egg allergy, wouldn't feel left out). In fact, I was sorta hoping against hope that just maybe the "small sliver of cupcake" would be the pineapple upside down cupcake, so at least there would be some fruit involved.

So, you can imagine the look of horror that came over my face when they walked out with this:



Yes, that's right. Cups of purple buttercream frosting. With sprinkles.

Just. Frosting. (with sprinkles)

No cupcake. Oh, and a spoon, so that our toddlers could get every last bit of frosting. With sprinkles.

I didn't really know what to do. So, I gave each of the girls a taste. Then I tasted it. HOLY SUGAR!

I wasn't sure if my turning stomach was guilt that I'd just given the girls pure sugar, or if it was the jolt of consuming something so atrociously sweet before noon.

Still not sure.

As we left the cupcake bar--dazed and shell-shocked by the events that had just transpired, my friend says:

What just happened in there? I gave my son spoon fulls of frosting. At 10AM.

I don't know about her, but I'm totally expecting my Mother of the Year Award to arrive any day now.

Now that I've had a few days to reflect there are a few things I'm certain about:

1. The organizer of this event (God, love her or him) does not have children.
2. Purple buttercream frosting + sprinkles = terrible naps.
3. Next time I'm bringing grapes.

Mompetiors, Mompetition--Whatever, I'm Just Trying to Survive

So, before I even get going, I'll say this:

I am not going to create a post for every negative anonymous comment I receive. I write in a public forum, sometimes people aren't going to like what I say--that's part of this whole blogging gig. I am addressing this comment, only because, I want to encourage all the mamas out there.

The following comment was put on this post, Friday, regarding my Hadley's love for using foaming hand sanitizer:

You're creating a resistance strain for germs early on for your babies. When they are older and sanitizer doesn't work and they are sick all the time, I'm sure you will feel great about yourself. Babies need germs so their bodies can learn how to fight illness. As a chemist, I suggest for the sack (I think he/she meant sake?) of life and your children, you let nature take its course, I mean you are all about "organic" and "natural". So just let your babies be babies. You can't make them perfect.

___________________________________________________

My friend Melissa wrote this great post awhile back about mompetitors.

Here's the thing--as a mom, I've learned a lot of things. Most importantly, I've learned never to judge another mom's choices.

I've done stuff I swore I would never do.

Breastfeeding vs. Formula
Organic vs. Non-Organic
Co-sleeping vs. Crib Sleeping
Babywearing vs. Strollers
Cry-it-out vs. No Cry-it-out
Pacifier vs. No Pacifier
Hand Sanitizer vs. No Hand Sanitizer--apparently

Whatever. This parenting thing is hard. Damn hard. Aren't we all just doing the very best we can?

You shouldn't feel one bit guilty if you weren't able to produce enough milk to breastfeed your baby(ies), or you can't afford to buy the $5.99 organic blueberries in the really tiny container.

You definitely shouldn't be made to feel guilty by another mom!

Come on mamas! As moms, we should support one another and the hard choices we make! Because, if you aren't a mom, let me tell you--it's all hard choices, and it doesn't get any easier!

I remember being pregnant, standing in Babies R Us sweating, because I couldn't decided what cribs to buy. That choice felt really challenging at the time.

Now I'm thinking about:

Which form of discipline do I use?
When do I stop breastfeeding and how?

There are always hard choices to make!

____________________________________________

So--I use this natural foaming hand sanitizer.

Why? Because RSV was all over our community this winter. I have a daughter with a heart defect. Heart defect + RSV = Bad News!

Even if RSV wasn't all over our community, I would have still used it though. Both the girls were sick at separate times this fall. It.was.miserable. I was holding sick-baby, but well-baby wanted attention too. All while my husband was out of town on business. I would do just about anything to avoid a repeat of that scenario.

So--maybe I am creating superbugs. The girls chew on their shoes. They chew on my shoes--can't stop em. Apparently they have a shoe fetish. That seems pretty germ-y to me.

Maybe my girls will be sick all the time, because I use foaming hand sanitizer. Am I going to feel "great about myself" when my girls are sick? Any mom feels terrible when their child is sick! I can't speak for everyone, but I would take it all, so that my girls would never be sick a day in their lives. At least that way all the vomit would end up in the toilet.

 This parenting thing? The hardest thing I've ever done. I'm sure many of you mamas would agree!

Why not, instead of throwing stones, encourage our fellow mama? Cheer her on? Offer helpful advice, if she asks for it. Or, if you must interject your opinion, do so lovingly, and remember that you have no idea what it's like to be in her shoes.

Here's the thing--I, we, are just trying to survive.

Kissy, Kissy

Hadley loves to give kisses. And, as you can see, when she decides that she wants to give a kiss, she is determined to get it done, even as her sister scoots away from her. Just a bit about my oldest's personality--she is cautious, discerning and intentional. When I consider this in the context of her giving kisses, it means just that much more. Hadley has decided that giving kisses is the way that she is going to love and show affection, and she does it--very intentionally. I love this about my daughter; it is precious, especially when I'm on the receiving end of one of those slobbery expressions of affection.

In a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago, we were discussing the importance of receiving love from our children in the way they want to give it. I love that! And it makes complete sense. Adults are free to express love in the manner of their choosing, and so should our children!

If we all try hard enough, we can think of that friend who knows just the right words to say to encourage us. Or the sister who comes up with the most thoughtful gifts to give that are completely "you". Or the husband who cleans up the kitchen before you can even think about getting to it. Or the friend who warmly touches your arm as she's speaking to you, putting you totally at ease. You get the idea--people love differently. And it is such a privilege to be on the receiving end of those acts of love, isn't it?

I want to encourage, and foster that freedom in both of my children, whether they love by giving kisses, giving away pictures they've drawn, or simply by saying so. Taking this a step further, I will never force my children to give affection to me or anyone else, nor will I tolerate other people manipulating them to do the same. Love and affection should be expressed on their terms, not ours. As much as I love Hadley's kisses, I don't force her to give me kisses, nor will I ever tell her to give someone else a kiss. If she wants to give her aunt, grandparent, or even her papa a kiss, she will, and if not, that is completely okay, maybe next time she will. How meaningful would a "Hadley kiss" be, anyway, if is not given of her own volition?

Full Disclosure

We have been loving this beautiful fall weather! The girls and I make a point of getting outside every day. I think I had it in my head that once October hit, our days of being outside would be over. I know that's not really true in the St. Louis area, but I just didn't have my expectations set all that high. So, each day is like a bonus, and a huge blessing. Each day we can go to the park, take a walk, or even just play on a blanket outside is relished and appreciated, all while appreciating all that fall has to offer--colorful leaves, pumpkin, apples and parsnips (we gave them a try last night, and loved them!). Though we are well into October, and enjoying all that these warm temperatures have to offer, the cool nights remind us that winter is approaching, and soon we will have to dawn lots of layers, and our trips to the park will be few and far between. It also reminds us that the cold and flu season is fast approaching.

I wanted to take a cue from this mama (you have to look at the bottom of her post) to talk about that for a moment. Did you know that a baby's immune system is not fully functional until six months of age? Even with that being the case, preemie babies must be careful even beyond that time frame. A cold or the flu can be much more serious in a baby that was born early, and cause respiratory distress that can lead to a hospital stay. Our pediatrician is especially concerned about Brynne, because in addition to being a preemie, she was born with a heart defect. RSV is the big worry--we want to avoid that at all costs!

We must be mindful to keep her as healthy as we can, but we need your help. I write this, too, on behalf of several friends and family members we have who are getting ready to welcome little ones into the world, smack dab in the middle of cold and flu season. Needless to say, it has been on our minds a lot lately. So, here's my public service announcement. Please, please remember to wash or otherwise disinfect your hands before holding a baby--always! And, if you are sick, love that baby (and his/her parents) by staying away until you are better. If it's questionable, or even if you don't think it's contagious, call ahead of time, explain the situation, and let the parents make the call, so that everyone is comfortable--full disclosure is always best!

Enjoy these fleeting, warm fall days, and here's to a happy, healthy winter!

Crunchy Grace

I was saddened today to read a story of a mother who lost her baby boy. He was born with a congenital heart defect, struggled to survive and ultimately died of heart failure. This is a sad story, but what saddens me even more is the controversy that has erupted because of this boy's death. Shortly before little seven-week-old Joshua passed away, he was circumcised.

Circumcision may or may not be a hot button topic for you. I never realized how passionate some people are about it, and honestly, I haven't had to think much about it. Through my perusing the Internet, I've seen circumcision referred to as anything from an unnecessary cosmetic surgery to mutilation. In rare cases, the blood loss from a circumcision can cause hemorrhaging, cardiac arrest, and death. Many crunchy mamas have expressed outrage that this family would have made the decision to circumcise their son, and have gone so far to publicly attack and blame this poor mother for being responsible for her own son's death. There are bloggers that have taken pictures of her son from her blog (without her permission), and posted them on their own blogs along with inaccurate information about her son's death, and then proceeded to lambaste her and her decision to have her son circumcised. 

Where is the grace? This poor woman lost her son. Whether his circumcision was responsible for his death, even in part (health care professionals caring for her son assured her that her son's death had nothing to do with his circumcision), should the response in any circumstance, that ends in such tragedy, be to throw stones? And, yet, ruthlessly, some individuals who are against circumcision have chosen to make an example of this grieving family.

Heaven forbid that something happen to your child that would cause your parenting to be called into question. Most parents make decisions that they believe to be the very best for their child, and their intentions are done out of love. How can anyone believe their parenting is so far superior that it warrants responding to the death of a mother's son with righteous indignance? How sad that compassion and love was not the first response.

Relationships are More Important

A friend, who has twins, shared a blog of another twin mom (did you follow that) with me yesterday, which inspired this. What she wrote completely resonated with me, as it did with my friend, and is exactly where I am at and what I'm struggling with.

Just after my graduation from graduate school in 2003, I had the great privilege to live with a family with whom I went to church. They have a big, beautiful home near Forest Park, and had an entire unoccupied third floor, which they used to house young, single adults from time to time. This family has four children, all close in age, which makes for a very busy household! I was always so impressed with this family's generosity, their great love,f and their commitment to relationships both with each other and with others. It's this last one, commitment to relationships, that has stuck with me all these years, and especially resonates with me now that I am a parent.

This family did not always have the cleanest home--there were definitely things out of place and dust on the floor. Their reason? Relationships are more important than keeping a spotless house. They would rather help their children with homework, or play a game of catch in the front yard rather than make sure the house was clean. Their lack of the immaculately clean home didn't keep them from having company over either--they encouraged people to call and invite themselves over for dinner at a moment's notice. Why? Because relationships are more important. They said that they would never regret not having a perfectly clean home, but they would regret missed  moments spent with their children, or missed opportunities to pour over good conversation with a friend. I remind myself of this lesson on a regular basis as I battle that gnawing feeling that I should be doing more daily.

For those of you who have read this blog before, you may remember that our girls do not nap well. Maybe once a week I can actually get them  down in the crib asleep, but most of the time they take small naps on the nursing pillow for as long as I will sit there quietly, and then they are awake again. All that to say--when the twins wake up in the morning, I am "on", and I am "on" sometimes until late evening if my husband has to work late, or has some sort of social commitment. It's intense, and can be exhausting. So what have I chosen to do about it? I'm waking up early. I know to read that it doesn't make much sense, but hopefully it will. I try to get myself up, and get myself ready before the twins get up each morning for a little quiet time. It's my time to be quiet, to talk to God and to be still. I'm very intentional about this, and it is hard. As I sit at our kitchen table,g the pile of dirty bottles and pumping equipment taunts me to be washed and the dog hair on the kitchen floor begs to be Swiffered. But I sit still. I sit still, drinking my coffee, eating my oatmeal, talking to God, or reading the Bible, because it is good for my soul, and ultimately it is good for my daughters, friends and for my husband--it makes me a better mother, friend and wife.

Then, when my daughters wake up, I am theirs--I feed them, clothe them, play with them, I.take them on walks, I take them swimming; I do so willingly, and with a joyful heart, because I've had my quiet time--they won't require as much from me forever, so I enjoy it while I can. During the day I have great friends who occasionally come over to visit with me and the girls--I love chatting with each of them, and let them in the door regardless of the state of our home. I have no idea what they think of our home, but I don't care. If I waited to have them over when my home was clean, I would be very lonely--relationships are more important. When my daughters go to bed, I am my husband's; I do so gladly, because I've had my quiet time--our marriage remains strong, and we continue to feel connected to one another, even though our family has doubled and our lives have been changed dramatically! I, occasionally, pay attention to our home--we certainly don't live in squalor, but I won't let that become more important than my play time with my daughters, visits with dear friends, my evening time with my husband, or quiet time with God--relationships are  more important.

May I Have Your Attention, Please?

Babies attract attention. As a parent of a new baby, you will inevitably run into several different types of people. The first kind are the people that will "Ooh and ah" over your little one without directly speaking to you. The second kind are those who will directly speak to you about how beautiful your child is, and how great it is to be a parent, maybe even comment on how blessed you are (while this is true, when you've had next to no sleep for the past five nights in a row, this is not a particularly helpful thing to hear). Next are the parents who have some sort of comment to make, as if they know exactly what it is like to parent your child saying things like, "I bet you're not getting much sleep" (these people make me want to divulge that our girls are sleeping through the night, the only reason I don't is because it is none of their business, nor is it helpful, just as their initial statement is not helpful). These people really aren't looking for a response, they just want to let you know that they know more about being a parent to your child than you do. Worst of all, you'll have those especially brazen individuals who feel like they should talk to you and bestow to you, a perfect stranger, parenting advice. The last kind are the ones that I have to especially bite my tongue. I realize those people really think they have it all figured out, but really, most people don't launch into parenthood anymore without reading a few dozen books on the way it's done--we've all heard the titles that start with word phrases like What to expect..., healthy sleep..., happiest baby...--I mean, with words like that in the title, you'd be foolish not to at least skim the book before becoming a parent. Suffice to say, I think we've done our homework.

I have quickly learned that twins attract attention times two. Perhaps you've even caught yourself gawking at a family that has twins. This phenomenon has been something to get used to as we've bravely ventured out into public on a more regular basis. I've found it both amusing and annoying to answer, "yes," when asked, "Are they twins?" One of these days I'm liable to smart off something about being able to gestate at a breakneck pace, or admit to stealing the second baby from the hospital. Perhaps this is another one of those moments when people should contemplate their words before they speak. When there are two babies close in age being cared for by the same parent--chances are good that they are twins, it's okay to go ahead and assume this. So, we field this, often in addition to the regular "baby attention."

After a venting session to my dear friend while on a walk at Creve Coeur Lake, we decided it would be entertaining to count the number of people who made comments, or otherwise gave our family attention. Grand total--14. Yup, on a short, call it a three mile walk, we encountered 14 people who had something to say about or to the mama with the two little babies. One woman even started veering over towards us as she was running. Perhaps in addition to being a sight to behold, twins carry some sort of magnetic force field that physically draws curious spectators towards us. Who knows?

Use Your Words!

I hesitate to use the word "hate," so I will use the word "dislike," I strongly dislike it when people ask me if my daughters are "good" babies. I'm guilty of popping this question too, but now that I am a parent, the question makes me cringe. Think about what you're asking--you are asking the parent if the baby is either good or bad. Is anyone ever going to say that they have a bad baby? What really constitutes a "bad" baby? Has someone, somewhere set a standard I don't know about?

How about we all use our words, and be more specific? Ask how she does with sleeping, or what sort of a schedule she keeps. If you're asking about whether or not she cries a lot, or for long stretches of time, just ask. On the flip side, when someone says that they have a "good" baby, what does that mean anyway? Are they patient, content, or a good sleeper? It's vague--no one knows exactly what you mean. Maybe that is the point, and I've missed that somehow. Does it parallel the, "How are you?" question, people throw out when they really aren't interested in the response?

When I've been asked that question about our girls, I have let my temper get the better of me and fired back, "So if they cry a lot, does that make them a bad baby?" To which people get flustered, and embarrassed that they would inadvertently suggest such a thing. That, I suppose, is my backhanded way of suggesting that perhaps they should think about the question before they pose it. Not the most tactful way for me to communicate this, I know. Other times I carefully describe their personalities, careful not to use the word "good" or the word "bad" to somehow illustrate that you can describe a baby using a vocabulary larger than that of a toddler.

I realize this is, perhaps, a silly thing to get fired up about, but hopefully if you're reading, you will stop and think the next time you see a mom, and want to strike up a conversation about their baby. There are other ways to ask about her precious little one that do not involve a black and white dichotomy, just use your words.