The one where I say yes.

There is only one man in all the world

and his name is All Men.

There is only one woman in all the world

and her name is All Women.  

There is only one child in the world

and the child's name is All Children. 

~Carl Sandberg

In early February, despite lots of hand sanitizer, breastmilk and frequent reminders to, "Cough into your elbow, please," all three of my girls got RSV.

Upon getting the diagnosis, I covered my daughter's ears, so that I could utter desperate and cathartic prayers/curse words, and break down crying in front of my pediatrician.

And then this:

More desperate and cathartic swearing/praying as my sweet six-week-old, Ruby, landed herself in the hospital.
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I'm pretty convinced that on the inside, we are all whiny, selfish three-year-olds.

I actually have two whiny, selfish three-year-olds, both inside and out. One thing I really love about one of them, my daughter, Brynne, is her honesty about what she needs. After a good ole RSV- coughing-fit, she would scream say things like:

I'm sick! I'm SO sick! Please hold me, Mama, I'm SO sick! 

I have no idea where her flair for drama comes from....

Anyway.

When Brynne asked to be held in her helpless, whiny, sick state---sometimes I would be filled with compassion, and hold her. And, sometimes my own inner-whiny-selfish-three-year-old won out, and I just could not muster up any grace for my daughter. I just can't be a rock-star parent all the time!

But.

I think God sorta digs the whole whiny-selfish-three-year-old thing, in fact, I think that's why he said, Let the children come to me...:

I'm tired! I'm SO tired! Please hold me, Jesus, I'm SO tired!

Jesus is a rock-star parent all the time. He wants to hold me anytime my whiny three-year-old self needs him to. And he really wants to hold you too.  

So, through this whole RSV ordeal, I've learned a few things. Jesus really can hold you. I mean, really, physically hold you. You just need to do two things:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, use any variation of the phrase, "I'm fine."

That terrible "f" word. F-I-N-E

People love to give. We are all constantly fighting our inner whiny-selfish-three-year-old. It's hard some times. No one wants to be a jerk all of the time. One of the best ways to fight that inner jerk is to serve others. Please, please allow people to serve you! Think of it as doing your civic duty to keep jerks at bay.

We belong to each other. Mr. Carl Sandberg got it right---we are All Men, All Women, All Children. We were designed to be in community to serve one another to love one another---you should not walk through hard things alone. Embrace community---let community love you and serve you.

Nothing squelches community more than the "f" word. Swallow that word and pride and...

2. Say yes.

When people offered to bring me good coffee, non-hospital food, a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold Ruby, so I could take a shower or sleep---I said, "Yes!" I mean, really, who can say no to good coffee?!

This wasn't, and still isn't easy for me to admit that I can't do it all. That I'm not God.

But---that's a good place to be.

I'm actually thankful that I was in that place of desperation.

Not because my girls were sick, but because, when I said yes, I felt God's arms wrap around me tightly through each generous act of love. I felt others carry my burden.

Sleep-sacrificing, good-coffee-bringing, burden-carrying---this is what Jesus was talking about when he told us to love one another. That is community. 

And. When you let your community love you like that---that is what it feels like when God holds you. 

I want to challenge you. Be in community. Let yourself be known. Love. Be loved. And. Say yes! You'll feel God holding you too.

Linking with Jen.

You kiss your babies with that mouth?

So, I've been thinking a lot about this word of mine that I chose for this year.

Be.

There's more I want to be. And I want that to start with being myself here, in my writing.


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I haven't been dishonest, or misrepresented myself. But, there have been a few posts I've done over the past year that I've been---well, I've been scolded about---through comments or by people I know in real life. And, this oldest child, people pleaser, pretending-that-it-doesn't-matter-but-secretly-caring- a-lot-what-other-people-think-even-though-I-hate-admitting-that-to-you-right-now doesn't like to be in trouble, and I don't like to disappoint.

So, I've found myself tempering my writing.

I don't like that. That isn't being me.

I've found myself not always saying the thing I'd say to you if I was sitting across the table from you at a coffee shop.

Probably the clearest example of this would be cussing.

I don't hold a candle to truckers or sailors, but I do cuss sometimes. Mostly, it's for emphasis.

You see--we've taken words like epic or awesome, which used to be reserved for truly extraordinary, awe-striking things like space travel and The Grand Canyon, and we've made those words arbitrary. We use them for things that we won't remember a week from now like the "epic-fail" of wearing your shirt inside out all day, or the "awesome" flavor of toothpaste the dentist used to clean your teeth. Cussing is sort of my epics and awesomes. And--it just cuts to the point.

But, even if the whole epic-awesome-arbitaryness wasn't true, I'd probably still cuss.

Now, maybe you're running to your Bible to find me a verse to tell me why I shouldn't say this. Maybe cussing is offensive to you. Here's something else: sometimes, when I talk to Jesus, I cuss too.

I'm not being irreverent. Being reverent has nothing to do with words, and everything to do with attitude. I only need take one look at our beautiful girls to be brought to my knees in awe that he could make that.

I cuss when I talk to Jesus, because he wants a relationship with me. He wants to be just like a friend sitting across the table sipping coffee. Talking to him is no different than talking to those friends. He doesn't want me to pause to use words like "thee" and "thy", because I don't use those when I talk to my friends, or ever, really. He just wants me to be real--even if it includes the occasional curse word.

So, for example: I watched Brynne tumble down our basement steps on Wednesday----top to bottom----her neck bending in ways that took my breath away. I don't think I could tell you the sheer terror that swept through my body as I watched her fall, unless I told you that this scared the HELL out of me. And this was my prayer in that moment, as she's falling:

Brynne! Shit, Jesus, help!

And our Brynne. I collect her in my arms. She utters one word:

Uh-oh.

And then, she with her rubber neck, runs off to play. While I'm sobbing and shaking, continuing to say lots of shits and thank yous to Jesus.*

You know what though? I think Jesus loves that. I think he wants that. He wants to come into my mess; to be included. He doesn't want me to wait till designated prayer times, or a moment when I can clean up my language, to be included. Real relationship isn't designated or contrived like that. It happens all the time, and that's what Jesus wants, I think. Even if it includes cussing. I know I certainly needed help as Brynne toppled down our stairs. I couldn't wait for an appropriated, curse-free time to ask.

And really, if your kid was falling down these stairs, you'd probably say shit too. I'm 93% sure you would.

So, this is me. A Jesus-loving, mama of twins, who uses the occasional four letter word, with a husband who gives me complete grace, even when I let our kid fall down the stairs.

I've told more than one person, I like you more, once I've heard/read them cuss. I mean it too. I like people who cuss. There's something about it that's real; genuine. I like people like that. Maybe this post will have you like me more. Or maybe you'll decide you don't like me at all. Maybe I won't be your flava. But, here I am. I want to be all here, when I write. This is me. I hope you like me both inspite of, and because of. Either way---here I be.


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*I don't make a habit of swearing in front of our girls. The whole falling down the stairs thing--desperate circumstances.

Be

Last year I wrote about my word for the year--Ebenezer--a reminder of God's love, presence and assistance.

Ebenezers were everywhere as I navigated becoming a mama in 2010--hardest, most rewarding year of my life!

Yesterday as I was perusing Pinterest, contemplating this past year, I landed on my word.

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It's struck me how very quickly this past year has gone.

The girls have gone from babies to toddlers right before our eyes:

They can do crafts now.
They say "uh-oh" (their new favorite word) at least a thousand times a day.
Their hair is long and beautiful--people no longer question their gender.

It's glorious--watching them grow and change! I delight in every moment of it. So very thankful that God chose me to be their mama.

So. Be.

Often, along with this Mama gig, I'm quick turn to tasks. Thankful? Yes, immensely so, but I forget to just enjoy my girls. To be present to them. To just be with them.

Be present.
Be engaged.
Be silly.
Be carefree.
Be a teacher.
Be a student.
Be creative.

Do you have a word? I'd love for you to share it!

May 2012 be a beautiful, meaningful year for all of you.

Sharing this here and here. Join us!

Speaking Peace

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. ~Buddha

Words. 

They are so powerful, aren't they?

Words kill, words give life, they're either poison or fruit--you choose. ~Proverbs 18:21 

I collect quotes. Among my collection are a lot of excerpts about words.  It seems that each religion weighs in about the gravity of words. 

Words which give peace, words which are good and beautiful and true, and also the reading of sacred books: this is the harmony of words. ~Bhagavad Gita

We have all been the recipients of hurtful words that have caused brokenness. Words of death.

And, we all can recall the perfect words, breathed to us at just the right time, that lifted us up and brought us peace. Words of life.
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For those of you who don't know, my background is in counseling. Often, in my efforts to be authentic and real, I am transparent and fully share "me" with my friends. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Not necessarily a bad thing.

But.

Recently I've been hurt.

In my sadness, I've found myself unable to share the reason with some friends. It would be wrong to share. My sharing, while authentic and real, would be words of death.

Sometimes, remaining quiet is the wise thing to do. 

I'm still working on reconciling it all.

Instead, I'm trying to focus my efforts on speaking words of grace and peace and love--words of life.

This isn't just for my friends. It starts at home with the girls and with Brad.

Disciplining the girls with love and grace.
Loving my husband with words.

Speaking peace into my family. It's really part of my job description.

How do you speak peace into your family?
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804. Playdate with Shelly and Max.

805. Walk with Sara and Silas.

806. Sara speaking grace to me.

807. Lunch with Erin, Becca and Christina.

808. Two little girls sitting on the register on a hot summer day.

809. New project for our walls from the very talented Melissa.

810. Impromptu visit from Abby.

811. Two cooks in my kitchen giving me a night off from cooking. 

Sharing this today at:

Ann's, Michelle's and Jen's

Comeback

Girl, you've sure got your hands full!

I hear some variation of these words a lot when we're in public. It's the one line I didn't have a good comeback for.

Uh oh! Double trouble!
Comeback: No, double blessings!

As the girls have grown older, and astound me every day with how much they understand, the "hands full" phrase has bothered me more and more. I hadn't found a positive way to spin it, so I usually just smiled awkwardly, and remain silent.

I never want the girls to interpret those words to mean that they are a bother, inconvenience or a nuisance. They are gifts. And while, it's not always easy---I feel blessed beyond measure to have these two little gifts, and I want the girls to hear that and know that.

So, I hadn't come up with a good comeback, until now.

Conversation yesterday in Michael's:

Well intentioned cashier: Girl, you've sure got your hands full!
Me: Yes, full of good things. 

 I was grinning from ear to ear as I walked out the door!

The "M" Word

Is there a word that just absolutely don't like makes you shudder and cringe every time you hear it uttered?

I have one. M-O-I-S-T.

It makes me kinda gag to type it.

If there was one word Mr. Webster could have left out of his dictionary, that was it.

Pair the "m" word with a certain ladies undergarment that begins with a "p", and I just might throw up on you.

There are several things that really stink about the "m" word:

1. It is everywhere! Case in point, see below:

Watch a cooking show--you hear the "m" word about 54 times!

2. There's just not another good way to describe cakes and breads that are not dry.

I gave my friend a loaf of apple bread I had baked. She sent me a text to say that it was "wet and delicious". God love her!

3. It's easy for my husband to use the "m" word on a daily basis.

Me:  Did the girls need their diapers changed?

Brad:  The girls' diapers were only slightly "m".

Me:  What do you think of the salad we had for dinner?

Brad:  It was so "m"!

Me:  Is it raining outside?

Brad:  It's very "m" outside.

       Ugh. Jerk! (I mean that in the nicest, "I love you very much" way possible)

What about you? Do you have an "m" word?

Word Resolution

I don't really put much stock in New Year's resolutions. I've attended exercise classes for too many years to know how quickly the enthusiasm fizzles.

I have; however, thought a lot about words lately. I want to amend my words--how I speak, what I speak. It's not a New Year's resolution necessarily, the fact that we've rolled over to a new year is not perpetuating my desire to change. I have different "motivators".

Hadley loves our dogs, I mean--LOVES them. She asks to see her "da" all the time, she waves to them, she tells them goodnight before bed, she dangles food from her tiny hand during mealtimes to get their attention, and some days they get more kisses than I do.

I often get frustrated with Hadley's beloved "da". They get underfoot while I'm rushing about the kitchen, back and forth getting meals ready. My patience with them dwindles, and I speak sharply and unkindly at them. The jabbering coming from the high chairs abruptly stops, and the girls stare at me in wonderment; their mama who just uttered harsh words at their puppies. My daughters' soul-searching eyes cut me to the quick.

I said a few weeks ago  that I wanted my words to be gentle, kind and full of grace.  Only speak words that make souls stronger. I want to be able to show my daughters what this looks like when speaking to all kinds of creatures.

In my kitchen, I have a quote taped to my cabinets, so that I see it when the dogs are tripping me up and impeding my progress towards dinner.

Before you speak ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence? ~Shirdi Sai Baba, an Indian Saint 

 Enough said.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

No, I'm not talking about Ebenezer Scrooge.

I read somewhere that someone was picking a single word to be "their" word for the upcoming year. I love words; when I first read that, I thought, the prospect of picking one word for an entire year seemed impossible. I wondered, too, if at the end of the year, could that individual say they had chosen appropriately, and really "lived" that word? Well, this girl loves a challenge, so in the face of something that seems impossible, I am choosing one word for my upcoming year. My word for 2011? Ebenezer.

So what does Ebenezer have to do with anything? In the Bible (I Samuel 7:12), Samuel took a stone and named it, Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the Lord has helped us."  An Ebenezer, or "stone of help" is anything or anyone that is a reminder of God's presence, love and assistance.

Many of you have been Ebenezers to me over the past year. It's no secret that the whole twin thing was overwhelming to me (still is some days). I've done an abysmal job of keeping up with thank you cards. I'm sure more than one person failed to receive an official "thank you" from me. If you held me up in prayer, made my family a meal, came over to visit and/or hold a baby, encouraged me with words, offered opportunities for me to sleep, showered our babies with gifts, gave me the opportunity to shower, listened to me worry, helped me take the girls to the doctor, offered wisdom and guidance---you are an Ebenezer to me. Through each of those acts, whether I know you or not, you showed me the face of God.

This blog is my Ebenezer, a physical sign of God's presence, love and assistance to me, with the help of all of you, throughout this past year. When I think about it I am overwhelmed and (hand on chest) faklempt. Talk amongst yourselves--I'll give you a topic. Chickpea is neither a chick nor a pea--discuss.

Sorry, I was starting to cry, and needed to laugh. In all seriousness, I am so blessed--my cup runneth over. I pray that you each meet God with many Ebenezers in 2011.