Friday, May 28, 2010

Epic Fail

I've got to say--I don't know how mamas can work outside the home away from their babies all day long--I tip my hat to all the working mamas out there! Today was my first taste of this, and it was one of the harder things I've ever had to do, and definitely the hardest thing I've done since our girls have been born. The connection I have with my daughters is physical. I don't know if it's because my body bore them and now feeds them, or if it's because I spend more time with them than anyone else and can comfort them best. I've heard it said that having children is like your heart walking around outside of your body. I certainly believe this. There is vulnerability in having something I love so much in the care of someone other than myself. I ache to hear them crying on the phone (other than just the uncomfortable feeling of my milk letting down).

I had so much anxiety leading up to my actual departure--I let worry just consume me, to the point that it was physical. My stomach hurt and literally my heart ached! I cried, I fretted--again with the whole "not being in control thing" (an apparent theme in my life)--it was overwhelming to me. I had a small job to do that didn't take long--I left at 5:45 AM, well before the girls start their day, and was home by 10:30. No big deal, but I let fear, panic and doubt wash over me in huge waves for a good 24 hours.

The reason this first time away from the girls was such a "failure" was because I failed to trust anyone or anything except my feelings, which were completely going haywire. I failed to trust my husband to oversee caring for his own children, my mother-in-law who raised three children and most importantly I didn't trust God, who cares even for the sparrows to take care of and protect my daughters in my relatively short absence. Each day my prayers is that I would have that "...peace from God that transcends all understanding...." I need it, because I am a wreck of anxiety on my own. Today I most certainly did not have that peace, because I didn't go any further. "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--I should think of those things (Philippians 4:6-8).

If I had the day to do over, I would probably still be anxious, but I'd like to think that I could also maintain some perspective that got away from me, and if nothing else, maybe not have quite such an achy belly. A friend shared this verse with me yesterday, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed , for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23. Thank goodness for his love and compassions, and for another day.

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