What no one tells you, is that being a stay-at-home-mama can be very isolating. This truth has been an incredibly hard realization for me.
Before you skip the end of this and leave a comment pleading with me to seek therapy and/or medication, rest assured, I am not in that place--yet. I love my daughters, and recognize them for the blessing they are, which leads me to the place of knowing that I need to change. Brynne and Hadley deserve an emotionally healthy mama!
For those of you who have or do feel the same way, I think it's normal--becoming a mother is a huge, life-altering event. Couple that with all kinds of crazy hormones and lack of sleep--well, sometimes it's not pretty. I don't think people talk about this very much. I'm standing up to talk about it, because it's real for me. I'm struggling, and from a few conversations I've had with friends recently, I know I'm not the only one.
I knew that having children was the ultimate "dying to yourself", so I accepted and embraced that the girls' needs trump my own. While it is true that I have two, pretty cute, babies to take care of, that doesn't mean that I stop taking care of myself. Being a mama has become part of my identity, but should not define me. There's a careful balance there, and I need a bit of "rebalancing".
Confession time. Most weeks I only get in two or three showers (ew, I know). My workout routine really can't be called a "routine" since it's sporadic, at best. Sometimes I go days without brushing my hair--a messy bun is my go-to hairstyle. Speaking of hair, I haven't had it cut or trimmed in over a year---can you say split ends?! My crusty feet haven't had a pedicure since May. I usually don't change out of my yoga/pajama pants unless I have to go somewhere or see someone. Sometimes I forget to put on deodorant until my pits feel sticky, or worse--when I start to stink.
All of this was fine in the beginning, when the girls were little, and I was a tired, overwhelmed new mama. Some of it is still okay, sometimes. I mean, who doesn't love comfy yoga pants?! My girls are almost a year old, though, and are aware of their world. I want them to see their mama taking time to take care of herself, so that they will learn to do the same.
So--I have a plan!
- Tomorrow, I'm starting bootcamp again. Two mornings a week I'm going to get my sweat on. I'm actually pretty giddy about it--hopefully I'll feel the same way tomorrow at 5:30 A.M.
- I'm going to try to schedule at least one playdate a week. Let's face it, playdates are usually more about the mamas socializing than the kids playing together.
- Once a week I'm going to get out of the house by myself. To run errands, get a cup of coffee, meet up with a friend--something.
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20 comments:
Yup.
I feel ya.
And I AM in therapy =). And I am not ashamed of it either. I started going in early Dec, and I go twice a month. I call it my "mental". Like a physical, but for my mental health. Which is just as important. It's not easy to make it work in our schedule. I have evening appts, so I can go after the babies go to bed for the night, which is helpful.
Being a new Momma is so wonderful and exhausting and overwhelming and exciting and rewarding and all-consuming...and I need to make sure I am processing it all properly. I want to be so healthy for my kids. I want to make sure I have balance.
We had someone very wise recommend to us when the babies were about 4 months old that we each take 3 hours a week to get away by ourselves. To be honest, we haven't found that as easy to do as one would hope...BUT, we have made a routine of trading Saturday afternoons. Dave gets 3 hours away, then the next week I do, then the next week we take the twins swimming or do something fun as a family. It's been incredibly helpful for both of us.
Now the challenge is actually RELEASING everything as I drive away. I have a hard time relaxing away from my babies. I know that they are in very capable hands with their Daddy, but I just have control (or rather, the illusion of control) issues, and also I feel guilty just wandering Target for 3 hours. Or going to Starbucks and sitting and reading a book. Why???? I don't know. It goes with the motherhood territory I guess. I need to be able to recognize that I DESERVE the time away. But for some reason that's hard. But every single time I get away, on my way home I am able to recognize that I am a better Momma for having done so.
Big hugs to you!
I feel ya Julia! Your plan sounds good, though, and I would add maybe looking into finding a nearby MOPS group to join. It's a great way to meet other moms and just get out of the house in general. Good luck!!
I could have written this post myself. I just told my husband last week that I thought I was going through a way-delayed post pardum or something. And I agree its maybe not necessarily about seeking therapy but more about taking care of yourself all the way around. I think its also just a weird time of year with it being cold, cooped up in the house, etc.I'm very much looking forward to it being warmer and trips to the park. I think your plan sounds wonderful though and something very similar to what I've been thinking to myself. I've also told my hubby that I promise to myself to start getting up and getting myself 'ready' for the day. Glad to know I'm not the only one in the exact same boat. Good luck!
This is SO what I needed! I'm a lot like you. If I'm not going to go anywhere or see anyone, why shower? Or change out of comfy clothes. I usually only change to give my husband the illusion that I got ready for the day. But now with 2 sick kiddos, yeah, its not fun. I need to be more proactive and look for a group to join and get out for me. I think the boys would enjoy it too.
First, you're brave to admit the frequency of your showers and that you forget deodorant sometimes. I hear ya! :) Before our girls were born, I would see people talking about not showering for days, and I vowed that would never be me. And for the first 18 months, I clocked a shower every single day. But then the girls transitioned to one nap, and my first opportunity - outside of getting up early, and who wants to do that (unless I have an appointment or something that day) - is after lunch. If nothing else, I get a shower at night, before bed, but it's rare I "fix myself up". In fact, it's now 2:00, and I just showered for the day...but I put back on my yoga pants and plain tshirt. (Lovely.)
What you just said about presenting yourself so your girls will see you as a confident mama just struck me. I think that's a fantastic point.
I do get out and about relatively frequently, though. After the girls are in bed for the evening, at 7:30, "my time" begins. Of course I try not to be gone more than a couple of times a week, as that's time for Hubby and me, but that's when I run my errands. I do a lot of my grocery shopping then, which - by myself - seems like a treat. I have a handful of other mom friends who do the same thing. We'll sometimes meet for coffee at the bookstore, or very occasionally, a late dinner. Even though it usually puts me in bed later than I'd like, it's so good to be outside, in public (minus my yoga pants!), without my double stroller.
I think your plan sounds really good...it seems doable, and I hope you can get into a good (new) routine and feel better...for yourself AND for your girls. :) :)
Yep, being a mom can feel isolating. It does get better as the kids get older.
I figure a few showers a week is ok in the winter, that way my skin doesn't get too dry! I also hear you on the yoga/sweatpants.
Sometime ago, after Claire was born, I decided I needed to get ready, even if that didn't mean a shower just regular clothes and makeup, for my husband. He doesn't want to see me in sweatpants all the time.
I haven't found the time for excercise, mainly because I'm not a morning person. But, I'm sure that will feel great. And, if you can't get the early thing going, bundle the girls up and take them for a walk with you. I did that a lot and it was refreshing.
I think we also need to remember that we are actual wives first, then moms. Keep that in perspective will also help us get going! (it at least helps me)
(the other Leslie) :)
Thanks for this post, Julia! I, too, am vowing to get dressed every day, brush my hair, and get exercise. I agree how important it is, and the difference it makes for the relationship between Todd & myself, not to mention the example it sets for our kids. Thanks for your honesty!
-molly
Great plan! It was around the time my girls were a year that I finally "woke up" out of my fog. Its still hard, but doable.
Good luck!
ICLW #192
{stopping by from ICLW}
I completely understand the feeling, I've slowly but surely been changing the things I can - mostly my attitude to start. It's difficult, but possible. Your plan sounds great and I hope it goes well for you!
I am still going through that and my girls are almost 3. It's so easy to focus on them, and forget about you...then you feel guilty for even caring about you right? But what I have learned is if Mommy isn't happy, no one will be. I had to find that out the hard way, being to hard on myself and not getting the help I needed. If you even wanna chat...Ive been through hell and back emotionally in the past few years. I'm always here to lend an ear. :)
Good luck to you!!
My sister n law and I were just talking about some of these things the other day...She is a stay at home mom of two boys and loves it but also has her days....She said she misses getting dressed up everyday and going to work...socializing with adults...and going to the bathroom number 1 or 2 without one kid in the room:) Since Im not a mom yet I can only sympathize but soon I will find out:)
Thanks for your sweet comments...I have really tried to capture every momment of my pregnancy:)
The isn't a single way to be a perfect Mom but hundreds of ways to be a great one! You have a perfect plan in place to continue being a great mama to B and H. I look forward to our journey to motherhood greatness right along side of you.
xo,
Lai
This is going to sound profoundly weird, but in a way, your babies are giving you a hall pass on the unimportant stuff. Do what you need to do to refill the well, but enjoy being relaxed (why is it relaxed on a beach in the caymans and unproductive in your living room?) and blame your sweet babies ;)
Well said, Julia. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I wish we would have had more time to talk about this last week (in between chasing the four kiddos!) because I have so many of the same feelings and struggles. It’s hard to admit that I feel isolated and lonely, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m not grateful to have the twins and to be able to stay at home with them. But motherhood IS a difficult job (and the cold winter weather seems to make it ten times harder!) I recognized a few weeks ago that I needed to make some changes for the sake of all four of us (especially my hubby, who bears the brunt of my irritability!) which is why I joined the gym and have been getting up at 5am to exercise. It’s been helping.
Another “goal” I recently set is to allow myself to shop for some clothes that fit me better. When none of your pre-pregnancy clothes fit quite right (yes, even a full year later!), it’s even more appealing to spend the day in yoga pants. :)
I’m looking very much forward to resuming our regular outdoor walks when spring returns!!
Oops, forgot to sign my name at the bottom of my comment, but you probably figured out it was me. :)
-Becca
I feel you on this- just wrote a post recently on the same topic. I'm a SAHM after being an attorney and an educator- its a challenge to structure and balance your days and focus on you. Its a complete lifestyle change.Kudos to you for working through it!
Thank you for sharing this link with me! I *so* needed to read this post. I am really glad to know that I am not alone (especially on the shower thing). I need to get a plan in place too...great idea!
The isn't a single way to be a perfect Mom but hundreds of ways to be a great one! You have a perfect plan in place to continue being a great mama to B and H. I look forward to our journey to motherhood greatness right along side of you.
xo,
Lai
{stopping by from ICLW}
I completely understand the feeling, I've slowly but surely been changing the things I can - mostly my attitude to start. It's difficult, but possible. Your plan sounds great and I hope it goes well for you!
Thanks for this post, Julia! I, too, am vowing to get dressed every day, brush my hair, and get exercise. I agree how important it is, and the difference it makes for the relationship between Todd & myself, not to mention the example it sets for our kids. Thanks for your honesty!
-molly
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