If you want to destroy my sweater...

Tuesday, I came to the end of myself.

It was ugly.

Apparently, the thread that destroys my sweater is to walk away saying that you'll call at a certain time with my child's cystic fibrosis test results. And then not call.



Not like I could have done anything in the 16 additional hours I had to wait before receiving the test results (normal), but I needed to be in control of that information thankyouverymuch.

So. In that 16 hours of waiting, I was a jerk.

You know those fruits of the spirit?

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.

I don't think I employed a single one---especially not that patience one. 

I was big jerk.


Then, I was frustrated with myself for being a jerk. And ashamed of myself for failing to seek God out in my frayed, crumbled state of being---in fact, I'm not even sure it crossed my mind.


So, here's a question for you: Imagine God for a moment. Imagine him thinking of you and looking at you. What's the look on his face? 

My answer, which probably has everything to do with this season of life, is that God's expression is probably similar to the looks of disapproval I give Brynne and Hadley when they aren't obeying me.

Here's the thing---my answer, while logical, given my jerky ways, is completely wrong.

God delights in me. Always. And the look on his face when he thinks of me?  It's one of pure delight and joy---even when I'm a jerk. He died for me, and I forgot (???) or didn't think he could handle (maybe?) my brokenness in uncertainty---he still delights in me.

{He delights in you too! Maybe you need to hear that today. God has a look of joy on his face when he thinks of you, and he longs to bless you.}

But I don't always remember this about God. So, there I was feeling ashamed and jerky, expecting some sort of heavenly spanking for my behavior. And, I saw miracles happen. God reached out to me in very real ways to say, Hey, I love you, and I long to be gracious to you. In spite of, and because of who I created you to be. 

I wanted to share a couple of my miracles with you. 

First, the girls received a belated birthday gift in the mail. Included in the package was a handcrafted gift for me, with beautiful, encouraging words and my word of the year. The gesture was so intentional and so "me".

The next day, the girls and I went to a playdate with my dear friend, and her son.  She, too, crafted an exquisite gift for me, which included my word, my favorite color and a sentiment that, is dear to my heart on many levels. It blesses me each time I look at it hanging on our wall!

The friendship I have with both of these women bless me richly. Their intentional-ness and grace and just their "knowing me" overwhelms.

Thank you for being miracles to me this week. 

Sharing this here.