Saturday, May 7, 2011

Un

Friends, I am just struggling.

I feel:

unmotivated
uninspired
uncreative
unable
unworthy
unimportant

just, well, just "un".

I feel stuck in this "un" rut while my garden blooms vibrantly, my husband adores me, and our healthy girls' laughter fills our home. It's a juxtaposition that weighs on my spirit. I know I'm missing out! I know these things I feel, they aren't really the case. So, I pray that God will help me in my unbelief.



The reason I keep a gratitude journal; pour my thanks out here each week is so that I constantly search for and actively seek joy. To find the extraordinary in the everyday.

This works most of the time.

But sometimes it's a struggle for me. My soul finds dark corners, and I get stuck there. I, ashamedly, forget my many blessings.

I struggle to love well. It pains me to write that.

Sometimes it's just so hard to love well.

But---I can do hard things.

So.

I'm working on it, friends. I'm fighting to see joy! If I start sounding "un" around here---feel free to yell at me. You can even do it anonymously, if you want to.

________________________________________________

Tomorrow is the second year I get to celebrate this gift of motherhood. It's going to be sunny and warm, which means cute girls in rompers---I can't wait!





9 comments:

lmbartelt said...

You are SO normal. I feel guilty when I can't find the joy in motherhood, especially when other people say things like, "How could you not be happy with those two in your life?" Motherhood is HARD. Heard a podcast of a sermon by Matt Chandler yesterday; it was on happiness, Psalm 1. What struck me is that the tree in the psalm goes through seasons. It's not always producing fruit but it is rooted in a good place. So, even if I'm not showing happy, the root of my faith produces in me a fundamental happiness not based on how I feel or what I'm going through. It was very encouraging! Hang in there.

Lauren said...

I'm sorry you're feeling "un". I will keep you in my prayers. Really.

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

My experience is that it would be UNrealistic not to feel this way sometimes.

And from my experience, I say, let yourself just "get by" for a day...stay in your pj's if you want...skip the play date in lieu of a trip to Target (and maybe a run through Starbucks)...and at the end of the day, take a hot bath and go to bed early...the laundry can wait.

The resilient person you are in so many ways, I am confident you'll be feeling inspired again very soon.

Hugs to you! :) :)

Corinne and Jason Ritz said...

There have been so many years when I have ended mother's day in tears. My expectations are too high, usually. Now, I kind of dread the day, and secretly hope that it won't be horrible. The thing is... there is no rest for a mother, and while I delight in the service and the job I do, it can be so mentally and physically exhausting. There is no day off. You are on call 24/7.

I'm not trying to make you feel even more "un." I'm only trying to let you know that I compeletly understand! I think every woman and mother does. I love the comments above. Just know that you surrounded by friends who know and love you and support your awsome job as a mother! You seriously are a superstar!

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Everything Mandy E said... and a hug from ME!

lmbartelt said...

Correction: It was a Tim Keller sermon. Not Matt Chandler. :)

Alice Herren said...

I'm so thankful for your honesty. It really is an encouragement to me. I found myself repeating your mantra, "I can do hard things" the other day, because I knew it was true, even though my flesh felt otherwise. I can see the growth in your fight for joy, as I have read your blog. Be encouraged!

Liz said...

Just want to say thank you for your transparency...I enjoy reading your words because they are real and come from your heart.
I think we all have those "un" moments.
I'm being challenged and encouraged lately from God to be more proactive and go beyond what I feel which is usually super unmotivated. Some days I just have enough energy to take care of the boys and their basic needs. Again, thanks for sharing!

Twinside Out said...

I know you wrote this a while ago (I am woefully behind on my reading), but I just wanted to say thank you for writing it. I can really relate. I love your line about doing hard things...I try to say it often around here. I certainly need the reminder!

Praying that your "un" moments are behind you, and that you are dancing in the joy.