I feel:
unmotivated
uninspired
uncreative
unable
unworthy
unimportant
just, well, just "un".
I feel stuck in this "un" rut while my garden blooms vibrantly, my husband adores me, and our healthy girls' laughter fills our home. It's a juxtaposition that weighs on my spirit. I know I'm missing out! I know these things I feel, they aren't really the case. So, I pray that God will help me in my unbelief.
The reason I keep a gratitude journal; pour my thanks out here each week is so that I constantly search for and actively seek joy. To find the extraordinary in the everyday.
This works most of the time.
But sometimes it's a struggle for me. My soul finds dark corners, and I get stuck there. I, ashamedly, forget my many blessings.
I struggle to love well. It pains me to write that.
Sometimes it's just so hard to love well.
But---I can do hard things.
So.
I'm working on it, friends. I'm fighting to see joy! If I start sounding "un" around here---feel free to yell at me. You can even do it anonymously, if you want to.
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Tomorrow is the second year I get to celebrate this gift of motherhood. It's going to be sunny and warm, which means cute girls in rompers---I can't wait!
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9 comments:
You are SO normal. I feel guilty when I can't find the joy in motherhood, especially when other people say things like, "How could you not be happy with those two in your life?" Motherhood is HARD. Heard a podcast of a sermon by Matt Chandler yesterday; it was on happiness, Psalm 1. What struck me is that the tree in the psalm goes through seasons. It's not always producing fruit but it is rooted in a good place. So, even if I'm not showing happy, the root of my faith produces in me a fundamental happiness not based on how I feel or what I'm going through. It was very encouraging! Hang in there.
I'm sorry you're feeling "un". I will keep you in my prayers. Really.
My experience is that it would be UNrealistic not to feel this way sometimes.
And from my experience, I say, let yourself just "get by" for a day...stay in your pj's if you want...skip the play date in lieu of a trip to Target (and maybe a run through Starbucks)...and at the end of the day, take a hot bath and go to bed early...the laundry can wait.
The resilient person you are in so many ways, I am confident you'll be feeling inspired again very soon.
Hugs to you! :) :)
There have been so many years when I have ended mother's day in tears. My expectations are too high, usually. Now, I kind of dread the day, and secretly hope that it won't be horrible. The thing is... there is no rest for a mother, and while I delight in the service and the job I do, it can be so mentally and physically exhausting. There is no day off. You are on call 24/7.
I'm not trying to make you feel even more "un." I'm only trying to let you know that I compeletly understand! I think every woman and mother does. I love the comments above. Just know that you surrounded by friends who know and love you and support your awsome job as a mother! You seriously are a superstar!
Everything Mandy E said... and a hug from ME!
Correction: It was a Tim Keller sermon. Not Matt Chandler. :)
I'm so thankful for your honesty. It really is an encouragement to me. I found myself repeating your mantra, "I can do hard things" the other day, because I knew it was true, even though my flesh felt otherwise. I can see the growth in your fight for joy, as I have read your blog. Be encouraged!
Just want to say thank you for your transparency...I enjoy reading your words because they are real and come from your heart.
I think we all have those "un" moments.
I'm being challenged and encouraged lately from God to be more proactive and go beyond what I feel which is usually super unmotivated. Some days I just have enough energy to take care of the boys and their basic needs. Again, thanks for sharing!
I know you wrote this a while ago (I am woefully behind on my reading), but I just wanted to say thank you for writing it. I can really relate. I love your line about doing hard things...I try to say it often around here. I certainly need the reminder!
Praying that your "un" moments are behind you, and that you are dancing in the joy.
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